So, another night out without alcohol last night and I was so glad it was. As usual a night out with my partner Mr A started and ended in an argument and didn’t get much better in between. The good thing was this time, I wasn’t drunk, so I was completely aware and in control of my thoughts and feelings which helped massively. Usually we fight and I drink more and we fight more and I say horrible nasty things and it all gets way out of hand then I wake up feeling guilty and sorry and asking for forgiveness.
Last night was different because alcohol didn’t get in the way. I’m really proud of myself for that. But, here lies the confusion…I still cried at the end of the night, I still feel angry and upset, I didn’t have a good time and it wasn’t because I wasn’t drinking, it was because of the company I was keeping.
We firstly fell out because my friend had offered me tickets for the gig for free but I insisted on paying because I didn’t want to take advantage where a lot of other people are at the moment, even Mr A had mentioned this earlier in the week so I thought I was doing right but offering to pay and support the local club. It was only £10 each anyway, when I mentioned it he kicked off, like he is the stingiest person in the world. So then I kicked off because of how horrible he is, so it went like this “we never go out and you’re always asking to go out and now you are saying you don’t want to go” he said…so I responded with “actually this is a night out you want(to see a band he wants to see) with your friends at your football club, and I’m not drinking atm and have asked you to be mindful of that so it feels really selfish and I would like some recognition for that”…he just said I am impossible and we said we wouldn’t go, the babysitter had arrived however and talked us into going.
When we walked in he spotted his ex, the woman he used to live with for 7 years across the room, and consequently spent the rest of the evening looking over to her and I could tell her was itching to go and speak to her. I had told him I was tired (I know now that I was actually coming down with a virus as I’ve completely lost my voice today- not great for a singer and singing teacher) and could we head off by 11pm for the babysitter and so I could rest my voice for the busy day tomorrow teaching all day and singing in the evening. Well we didn’t; he wanted to stay and then at the end, 11.10 he went over to talk to her for ten minutes while I stood outside waiting. I was mad, but mostly hurt. And I don’t know why, am I jealous? Seems it, but I really don’t know why? He’s with me for 14 years now we have 3 kids and she’s not like me at all (older/sensible/normal) but maybe that why I find it hard because I think he would be better off with someone like that? I have had this fight in my head for about 12 years now, where I just don’t know if I am in love with this man. I love him, but I’m not in love most of the time. Usually I blame the alcohol, or my childhood trauma which is bound to have an effect, but I just feel so unhappy a lot of the time when he is with me. I feel happy when he is not around. It takes ALOT of effort for me to feel happy around him, is love meant to be that hard??? There are a thousand other factors to consider which blow my mind when I start to think about them, like finances (I have nothing) the children living between two homes, logistics of everything…which is why it’s sooooo much easier to have a fucking drink and pretend like nothing is wrong. But it catches you up in the end, doesn’t it????