Without alcohol things are much clearer – it’s obvious why you would argue with your partner so much more when you are pissed or hungover – you feel like shit and are irritable as hell. When you’re pissed you get bored easily and I guess arguing would be some kind of distraction for me – and an excuse to drink more “I was fine until I fell out with A” seems to spring to mind as a frequent line.
When I think of the panic I would feel leading up to having a drink or trying not to have a drink, I should have removed that long ago. I think this time something has changed, there has been a real switch in my brain, the re-wiring worked. Once I’d had that first sip the only thing I would think about is how I can get more and continue to get enough until I would sleep, for a few hours then the dread would come. I do not miss lying awake at night crying because I’m still drunk and know I’m going to spend the whole morning on the toilet and have a terrible day – my ‘bad’ hangover days were literally spent wishing the day away as fast as I could so I could crawl back into bed and catch up on the sleep I’d missed from the day before. I mean seriously – wasting and wishing away a whole day, think of the things I could have achieved in that time. I mean I’m not beating myself up about it cos I cant change the past and I have learnt, but if you are reading this and just thinking about or starting out alcohol free then believe me it is worth pushing through to the other side. We got this!