I had the best new years eve I can remember …ever I guess! No hangover, no fighting, no embarrassing memories or texts, you know none of the things that are shit about alcohol. There was however – lots of fun, laughter and cheesy dancing with my (almost) 10 & 11 year olds.
I planned a game with 12 balloons on a clock and inside each balloon was a party game or instruction for the kids, things like ‘play your cards right’ or ‘twiser’ etc. It filled the night perfectly and we all had such a great time.
Like other bloggers through, since giving up alcohol which is by far the best thing I ever did, my eating disorder has continued to raise it’s ugly head and has been particularly loud this last few weeks. I’ve continued to loose weight passed the healthy mark (alcohol helped me maintain or even gain a healthy weight), and thats triggered some kind of psychosis…Im thinking about food all the time, how I can avoid it, then how I can try to eat more to battle this, then how I must exercise to compensate for a certain meal…it’s draining. I look thin, I can see, my partner is on my back every minute he gets – he sees me naked so I guess it’s not easy to ignore jutting bones. yuck. I can’t let anorexia take over, Im 36 in April, 3 young girls to be a role model for (one who is so like me she is already struggling with her body image). I don’t want to have to go to the gp – NHS is under enough strain at the moment, all they will do is put me on a long waiting list for some talking therapy and I’ve done that so much I honestly get more from talking to friends or even writing…like this. I know I can turn this around, and only I can – I realised just like alcohol I wanted someone else to force me to eat, so the responsibility could be taken from me. I feel like I shouldn’t eat unless my partner see’s me because if he doesn’t then he wont see Im ‘getting better’, but thats ridiculous – I shouldn’t be hungry at any point at the moment. With alcohol it got to the point where I wanted people to say ‘You can’t drink” “I won’t allow it” and police me – so if I did end up drunk I could sort of shift the blame onto them (in my head) – they weren’t watching me well enough, they didn’t think of all the possibilities. It’s like that with this- I want those adults closest to me to tell me exactly what to do, what to eat and when, it sort of becomes a game almost – but Im too old for that crap – too old for games, and in the end I have to take responsibilities for my own actions and that is what Im going to do!