It’s not you, it’s me…

So, I’ve been talking to a close friend I am able to confide in, and it’s easy to see when I talk out loud that my thoughts aren’t making sense. I think I’m eating enough in one breath, then I say but I’m really not I suppose…..it goes on…the similarities between the things I tell myself now about food and exercise and the things I used to tell myself about drinking are uncanny.

It time to face up to reality – the problem is not the alcohol, or the food, or the exercise, or any other form of self-torture I have inflicted upon myself since before I can remember – it’s me. I feel like I just can’t get over whatever it is that is driving me to do this – is it just habit – something embedded in my genetic makeup which means I will always try to slowly kill myself?

I do know the driving force behind all my endeavors is to lose weight/ stay at x weight.….absolutely everything revolves around that. I’ve addressed the childhood sexual assault, I’ve kind of addressed the adult sexual assault (I will post about this later)….I feel like in therapy I have gone over and over things, there is nothing more I need to say. I met my step-dad face to face and got the chance to tell him how he had hurt me and my family, got the chance to forgive him and say that as a dad I still loved him and missed him. Here is a link to a history to show how much I invested in healing from the abuse – https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-34571936 I have spoken to friends asking if I’m still in love with him – this is something I need to explore more I think.

Here’s a timeline of the last 36 years…

  • 1985 – born
  • 1999 – bulimia – drive to be thin
  • 2000-2001 – anorexia – drive to be thin, ended up in hospital less than 70lbs
  • 2002 – active recovery
  • 2003 – started taking class A drugs because they gave me energy and I couldn’t eat when I took them / appetite control , a lot of alcohol came along with the drugs
  • 2004 – Anorexia relapse / treatment needed
  • 2005 on wards have gone round in a cycle of heavy drinking/freedom with food to restriction, this has continued to become more severe as the years go on…food and drink in the summer, starve in the winter…
  • 2012 – relapse lead to ED treatment again for about 2 years
  • The binge- stave cycle continues – (when I say binge I guess I mean eating freely but probably binge drinking – not every single day, but enough, you know, enough to know it’s not right).

Throughout all these years I have also abused slimming tablets, laxatives, diuretics, self-harm, a few suicide attempts, anything really to ‘be thin’, my quest for greatness….

Published by Sober Singer

A 30-something year old mum of 3 on a mission to life life alcohol free

9 thoughts on “It’s not you, it’s me…

  1. Wow you have been through so much and have made huge steps healing. My heart goes out to you and I totally admire you! I’m happy to hear you have a good friend you can confide in. They sure are hard to find these days. Your thought process on it all is so thought through I know you will keep healing. I wish there was something I could do to help you. I can give you a big virtual hug! 🥰

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Your words are familiar to me. I thought it was me too.
    In the end, I have a severe anxiety disorder. I am the child of a narcissistic mother. Apparently I was married to a narcissist and didn’t notice…

    For years I tried to destroy myself, while ensuring I over achieved in anything I did to avoid criticism. I never felt worthy of praise or even space. I was so unhappy and lost.

    It took medication, yoga, therapy and time for me to even begin to find a sliver of self compassion. But I did and now, 7 years later, I love myself. My so lightly softer, almost 49, self.

    Sobriety was a vital part of my return to self. But I needed help. Please, get help too. It’s easier to find another destructive behaviour, but it never ends.

    Stillness and peace can be yours too.

    Anne

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Wow. As others have said, you’ve been through so much. You should be really proud of yourself for speaking out about it and sharing your story with others. Thank you for sharing with us and showing us how strong and resilient you can be even in the face of something so devastating. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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