Today has actually been better – I’ve felt calm (I think because I knew I was going for a 10k run later in the day). I realise if I want to run I do need to put the protein in, and have been having protein shakes and extra dinner tonight….and I feel ok about it, Im trying to at least get back to where I was before Christmas, when I was ok with my body and exercising, without counting any calories etc. I can get there again. He weighed me today and I told him how un-helpful it is, turns out the scale had gone up and he said I looked better already and he can see a change in me this last week – as I have been trying to eat at meal times and whenever I wanted. Anyway – I’m not brushing this all under the carpet or burying my head in the sand but for now I feel like being ,mindful and taking one day at a time with this can prevent me going into full relapse.
I had to ask myself – Is being thin more important to me than my family? What is it that is imbedded in me to make me so certain that being thin is what we should strive for? What is it that pushes me to do things to my body in order to control my size…control…maybe it’s a lot more about control than I’ve ever thought. ‘Control’ is often thrown around as a reason for ED’s – I’ve always thought it rather simplistic…but now I’m beginning to think that it probably is something that simple- I’ve looked at all the more ‘complex’ reasons it could be with no real joy…
Something bad happens, say me and my partner fight, and my reaction is to tell myself something like ‘ well I can skip tea later, that will make it better” and I instantly feel calmer – my friend said it’s like Im taking back the control myself…when she said that it really rang home that perhaps that’s all it is. I’m back in charge, of myself, because for so long I lived for someone else’s life, not able to be my true self, and from such a young age that I don’t know how to be me truly. So this need for control since being a child has stayed with me throughout my life….30 years of scraping for control over my own life.
And that brings us to now – I still feel like the partner I have chosen is in charge here – he is 13 years older than me, and our therapist at Relate noticed that we follow a parent-child relationship (which made me feel a bit sick)…as in I feel I need to ask permission for things from him, our house, I feel, is his -not mine. We are intrinsically tied together because of many things, mainly the kids, and my job and my main support system being his family. I’ve tried leaving before, I always come back – maybe this toxic relationship is another way of silently punishing myself? I mean that makes it sound like I’m in hell here, and I’m really not right now, but have been at times. I have been very unhappy in this relationship at times, and expressed this to no avail. I have also been very happy in this relationship at times and felt loved and cared for which is a huge thing.
I decided tonight was a good night to open the non-secco, I think there is more enjoyment in the opening of the bottle than the drinking….I enjoyed two glasses , and have no desire to drink any more so have popped a stopper in it. I’ll probably have the rest over the weekend because I guess it will be awful flat? It’s funny how if it was alcoholic I would have been sat here now feeling tired and finishing off the bottle…now I’m curled up with my nearly 3 year old watching Frozen. Lovely.