I’m falling…

I feel like those four and a half months will be resetting …actually it’s 4months, 25 days, so almost 5 months, I want to make it to 6 months, I know if I don’t this time I can again ….why do I feel like this

Edit – have come back one hour later to update

I’m still sober. yey! I walked out the house leaving my phone and money (since I can use apple pay almost anywhere these days)…and across to the in-laws (we are in a social bubble thank god!). I’m still here and wont be drinking tonight, thank god. So what was running through my head an hour ago?

It’s the weekend, everyone else drinks, why shouldn’t I? It’s the bloody zoom quiz tonight – again everyone else will be holding a drink, why shouldn’t I? The answer to these is that everyone else doesn’t have a problem with alcohol like me, everyone else could just have their glass of wine, I was planning to get a bottle of vodka and drink it secretly before tea even, that’s not sociable. In my head I walked to the shop, was going to buy the smallest bottle of vodka so I woudln’t be ‘too ill’ in the morning. Take two cans of pepsi max out to pour it into and drink from in secret….then everything would be fine wouldn’t it?

Then I thought more, and realised I would be trying hard all night to not get ‘caught’ and would also miss out out the whole evening with the family. My in laws would be confused as to why I was acting strange, the kids would, they have all seen it before so know the signs by now…

I thought about how I would feel in the morning – like shit no doubt…I thought about the reason I wanted to drink…I couldn’t think why….boredom I think mainly, and dissatisfaction, worry, concern…I guess these are a lot of negative emotions going on that I need to address rather than hiding behind a bottle and a hang over….

I’m proud that I managed to walk away from it though, or made the conscious decision to leave my phone sop I couldn’t buy vodka. I don’t know why these strong urges are coming now, they have never been like this in the last 4 months or so…

Published by Sober Singer

A 30-something year old mum of 3 on a mission to life life alcohol free

9 thoughts on “I’m falling…

  1. Mate you’ve done so well. You must be so proud on how far you’ve come. Just think in previous posts you wouldve have maybe thought “f it”, but you’re already putting stair gates in place to stop you falling down. I still have strong urges. Yesterday was a date night and I’d have loved a cocktail or 3. It’s hard learning a new way to live. I’m also like you. I get massive fomo when everyones drinking on a zoom quiz and I’m there with a tea. But like you realise I can’t have one, I’ve got no off switch. I’m rambling sorry. Just wanted you to know I hear you, I feel it too you’re not alone xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well done for not drinking last night. You’re much stronger than you think and stronger than me. Like JS says get to 6 months, her last 100 days went quicker than the first and before you know it you’ll have that first year under your belt. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You should be very proud! Those urges are strong and so hard to deal with! I always have to remind myself of how much I love mornings now! I am truly happy when I’m up early sipping on coffee and feeling great! I hope one day I won’t have to remind myself anymore and it will just be second nature!! You’re doing great!

    Liked by 1 person

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