It’s Saturday and I want to buy vodka. Again. The thought was actually contemplated whilst in the supermarket, like it was actually an option? Where is this coming from?
I got home from the supermarket, which I’d walked around thinking about buying something but didn’t. Unfortunately a toy I bought for my daughter was broken when we opened it at home, she wanted to go straight back to the shop to exchange it – and because there’s nothing else to do at the moment I was happy to walk 20 minutes back to the shop.
My mind began to race…
Which drink could I buy, I’ll just have a look at what is available, I’m not an alcoholic, almost 6 months proves that, but its only a few more weeks maybe I should wait and then see how I feel at six months….I’ve already got Pepsi so half way there, I can even be secretive and no one would have to know, I wouldn’t have to tell anyone, I don’t have to blog about it, I don’t have to answer to anyone, people will be supportive I’m sure and I can start again, whats the point in that… I will know I have let myself down.…whats the issue anyway, If I fancy a drink why cant i have one (maybe because of these thoughts duh!) …
The inner monologue continued until I found the isle I wanted (I had to walk up and down ta few before I found the vodka – it wasn’t easy but I kept trying – God loves a trier!). I stood and studied the bottles and prices….this one is £6 and 7.4 units – I know I could finish that and be ok in the morning…but what if that wasn’t enough and I went out and bought even more then that would be stupid and I would end up buying a bigger bottle while I was pissed, so maybe I should get the bigger bottle now…hmmm this one is £9 and 14 units, thats about what I need….to knock myself out (I’m only small)… Right Lou what is the point of trying to knock yourself out…why do you want to buy this – just wait, put it down…..then my toddler said “mammy what are you doing so long, why are you worried?” to which I came out of my head and put the bottle down and said ” nothing just looking” and also said out loud to myself “put it back lou You don’t need it”.
I knew I had a lot more shops to pass on the way home before I was ‘safe’…. I called my sister and told her how I was feeling, that helped, she doesn’t really drink (strange that?!) and said I would regret it all week and the way Im feeling now it wasn’t a good idea…. she was right…I continued home.
Had to take the dog out one final walk of the day – this was it, I wasn’t going to go back out in the snow again after this…I had to resist…I text my friend who supports me the most about this and she sent a message straight back putting me right! My battery died on my phone which I was pleased about as again now I had no means to pay for anything and knew I would get home alcohol free.
I thought how I would never have been able to do this if the pubs were open. It’s so easy to wander in, smell that smell and order a drink, you can’t then put it back on the shelf if you change your mind……I’ve been lucky in that respect. I should not drink alone, just because it’s Saturday and I’m bored. I was imagining having a drink while cooking…and then remembered how I couldn’t just have one…there is no way I would feel satisfied after one drink, maybe two? noooo lets try three…the bottle is gone and I need more…. It’s inevitable how the scenario would play out. I don’t want to be part of that story anymore…
I’ve just had a cup of tea and chocolate and about to cook the curry now….bath after that….
I’m tired, I’ve started eating better and kind of physically ‘back to normal’ and I think that is what is really bothering me. Funny that – I stopped drinking and had to control food and exercise, I back of that a little and the urge to drink comes and hits me like a bitch. This is the most tempted I have ever been. It seems to be getting stronger – but then I remember with every sober day, so am I.