Seems my mind is wandering to drink even earlier this week…I’m in a stinking bad mood, and just have that ‘fuck it’ feeling completely. I have to go grocery shopping later this afternoon, so hoping writing this out might set me straight.
Things between me and my partner have continued to be shitty and on the verge of separation but as usual he refuses, we have more sessions with relate scheduled starting next week. I think i feel generally pissed off because nothing is changing in the relationship and it should. As well as that my almost 12 year olds moods are getting so annoying, it’s getting difficult. Also just sick of lockdown, and feeling like I have loads to do but can’t do much at all except sit about.
But mostly Im worried bout my friend, who has been having a horrible time for so long and whose daughter has been abused spookily similarly to me, her daughter is in hospital today and I just feel so sad for them all. A 16 year old in so much pain, so confused, like I was, but she wont accept any help, blames her mother for everything wrong in her life, I guess I just relate so much to her and want to help so badly but she wont accept any help, and now just ignores me if I do send texts or offer to go for a walk etc. Bless her. This makes all the other insignificant things seem…well…insignificant! I’m getting so hung up on minor things it’s frustrating. I don’t need to drink, Ive got 15 days until I hit 6 months and then I am there..wherever that is…
I asked my closed friend yesterday if i should drink again after six months and she said without hesitation ‘NO’. I asked why and she said because it’s ‘all or nothing’ with me, thats how I have always been and always will be…so it is safer to stay dry. I do agree it makes sense. But I’m also very tempted to start planning a little mini celebration weekend…with booze? Would there be much point in that…Im not sure a smoker would celebrate 6 months without boasting about it with a cigarette in hand??? Doesn’t make much sense does it?
Sober Diary 
Reading your first paragraph about your relationship and your 12 year old, I thought I wasn’t reading my own post! 😂 only my son is 13 but has been a right royal pain in the arse recently. I’m waiting for appts with relate but I’m going alone. Read into that what you may!! Personally I would not celebrate 6 mths with a drink. I’m trying to remember how I felt at 6 mths and I think it was a tricky time. A bit of a no mans land but soon afterwards I began to feel ‘sober’ and not think about booze quite so much. If you give up now you won’t feel that wonderful release from the prison alcohol creates. I read about people on here who after 4 years give moderation a go, and it never works. They manage to get back on the sober train but having 4 years behind you gives you more power and strength to recover again. 6 months is precarious and I worry that it isn’t a good enough grounding. Not sure that makes sense and it’s entirely up to you. Just my humble opinion xx
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So I read through to the end and the next post the internet had selected for me to read of yours was the happiest of Christmas’. I wonder if you read back over your posts when you really enjoyed an event being sober (maybe it even being a morning fresh headed) you’d still want to plan a drink. I get it, I really do. I keep thinking I never want to go back to those really really bad feeling of guilt, of failing myself and those horrendous cravings. This is what keeps me from reaching for the bottle. Hope it helps. Ps sorry about your partner too xxxx
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If it helps, I’ve raised 3 kids and it can help to know a few things about the teen years: 1. Their behaviour is totally normal. The parents’ job is to maybe take a walk or something when the argument goes peculiar. Let them “win” (as long as they aren’t smashing up the house). It could be they have a crap teacher bearing down on them and you have to be the surrogate punching bag for five minutes. I’ve suddenly found lots of times I needed to go to the grocery store RIGHT NOW. 2. The teen years are also miraculous. They become more and more “themselves” in amazing ways. Hold onto those realisations when they are being unpleasant. Know that when they hit 17 or 18, wow they will have become an incredible young man you can’t believe you’re so lucky to be the parent of. If you fight all the time, you’ll miss this transition and it is really something to watch unfold, if you can control your temper (v hard, not gunna lie). 3. Open your mind to the idea that they might be right (shock horror). They just don’t have the skills yet to communicate it in a polite gentle way. Go to the grocery store to calm down (ha ha) and ask, could there be some truth, a little grain of truth to what they’re saying? If there is, come back from the store and when things are calm and just say, you know I think I hear what you’re saying and I’ll try not to do that/I’m sorry/you’re right/I was just scared or distracted or fed up or tired. If they were just downright mean, come back when things are calm and just say I’m sorry we had a fight, I love you and I don’t want to fight with you. Don’t correct them or whatever, just leave it be. Teach them instead how to make peace after a fight. That’s a powerful life skill!
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thank you, this is so insightful, I feel I am able to do this, my partner however isn’t and it’s becoming increasingly more obvious
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You can’t do anything about your partner’s relationship with your son. that’s up to him. Your son will see it for how it is as he gets older. don’t triangulate (v hard, your relate person will help you with this, it’s very good you’re doing this). All you can do is focus on what’s going on between yourself and your son and work to keep it peaceful, sane, and supportive (all very hard!!!!!!!!!). The grocery store. Heaven on earth. God created the grocery store for parents. Go there every day, as needed!
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I agree
My kids are now nearing 16 and 18 and we have very little conflict.
I do admit I did occasionally cry when they were younger and meaner…not to cause guilt, but because I am also human. Somehow it seems to have worked out.
My ex and I separated in 2018. Without him the kids and I became very close. He was not a listener. I think if he had stayed things would hav been much different.
It’s complicated to parent as a couple. Lol. That one benefit of full custody!
Pre Teens are trying. They don’t understand themselves. I always want to help them not paint themselves into a corner. It does mean kind and gentle.
Anne
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