Things have changed…

Ok, I did drink last night. Im not ashamed, or upset, I’m annoyed at myself for forgetting but feel like this reminder was necessary, and I 100% don’t feel like I have ‘reset’ my clock – more like in 6 months I have drank one evening and that is still a massive achievement. I feel stronger going forward this morning, no more cravings at all, just a renewed sense of staying sober.

Now I know this could be a slippery slope and can’t just become a habit – I am very confident it wont.

This is how the afternoon went down – I did reach out for support, – I absolutely took in what was said, I think I felt like I had already decided. I bought a ‘nice’ bottle of vodka (poison) and steak for me and Mr A as the kids were staying at our support bubble for once. After speaking to some support I decided to wait until after my yoga class – I had told myself the vodka was a present for my sister if I didn’t open it (i’m still actually gonna give her the rest today but obviously not as a gift – more of a ‘get this horrid stuff away from me please!”

The yoga was a bit ‘meh’ – a new class and teacher and it was very slow, I was very keen to finish and crack on (which I recognised as the addiction anxiety trying to get me to drink before I changed my mind. I poured the drink just after 5, into the top of my can, so no one would know I was drinking….what an idiot.

Anyway, top and bottom is – I had about 10-12 units, I was drunk but not noticeably. I hated the taste. I thought I loved it but I hated it. I wasnt fully present for our romantic meal or film which is a big shame since it could have been really special. I didnt do anything I regret howver – no arguments or random texts.

I haven’t slept since waking up two hours after going to sleep, and have just had a very bad stomach! All things I should have reminded myself of. I HATE not sleeping.

So, I don’t feel sad or ashamed which I used to, and I’m not proud but I feel like I’m more on track for the next six months now, so now when asked I will say ‘I have only drank once in the last 6 months / 7 months/ 8 etc and I definitely don’t feel like I’m back at day one.

Published by Sober Singer

A 30-something year old mum of 3 on a mission to life life alcohol free

6 thoughts on “Things have changed…

  1. Good for you for not beating yourself up, and for reflecting on what happened! Every day is a new day. In fact, I tell myself every hour (every 5 minutes?) is a chance to get back in the saddle and try again. You’re on the right path.

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  2. I have found not having any alcohol in the house was extremely important for me….even 7 years later.
    The truth is, once we decide drinking is an option, it seems inevitable. I know I lived like that for a long time…never staying alcohol free until I took the choice away.

    Knowledge is always useful. Use it for the future!

    Anne

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  3. Everyone’s journey is different. Reading all the various word press blogs will show you that. It’s is absolutely the right thing to not beat yourself up or go into a downward spiral with this. As Dwight said …new day and new dawn. Like Anne, I don’t keep alcohol (other than my husbands beers which I don’t like) in the house. I think if you have decided you will drink it will happen and even after 15 months I have shaky times that mean I can’t risk having it too available. That’s just me though. Keep going xx

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