Mad March

I haven’t drank since the last time…well that is always the case I suppose – even if I just drank 5 minutes ago, that statement would still be true – what I mean is I’ve not drank since the hellish hangover almost 2 weeks ago. A nice sober weekend last weekend, I did think about having a drink. I did, but I quickly dismissed it.

I read a blog post and it really resonated with me – ‘Whats your addiction recipe?’

Hitting home

So I am going to consider my recipe….

I also start with the poor genetics on my maternal side – I think there is alot of mental health unaddressed issue there – clinical depression of my great Aunt, My grandma must have OCD, same as my mum, although neither has been diagnosed…thank god my dads side of the family were ‘stabe’

There lots of trauma I suppose – the parental break up and horrible fall out that was played out in front of us, my mum often in hospital for long periods of time with a physical illness, the sexual abuse from my stepdad over 10 years and then dealing with that and the court case etc…

The culture side of things is massive here – drinking is ‘normal’ those that don’t drink or try to stop are NOT normal and have PROBLEMs.

I don’t know my personality is just highly addictive to negative responses to things…I do get excited and do positive things like, running but I never quite take them to the extremes that I go to with alcohol/ food/ drugs….being good just isn’t as exciting, is it?

Maybe I am rotten from the inside – and only feel whole when I am lying or committing some kind of attack on myself…I’ve been feeling very unsettled these last few days since coming back to work part time – maybe just ab shock to the system but I just feel worthless , unneeded here, like my job is meaningless.. .I’m rubbish at it, my boss has to hire other people to do the things I should be doing (I work for family). I feel like I cant grow at this job anymore – I suck at it – I’m jack of all trades and master of none….and here I am blogging instead of working….ffs is it any wonder I feel crap about my work ethic at the moment, I can’t seem to find it or my motivation. This is making me feel like I need to get drunk, fuck it, I already feel crap anyway so why not be able to forget about it for one night? Or I could starve…I was happier when I was hungry, it just takes a while to ‘get into the zone’ before the ‘buzz’ kicks in…and my children are getting to that age now where they watch everything and It just seems too risky. I’m definitely triggered – My friend who I’ve mentioned in previous posts who’s family is struggling – her daughter is not eating and is very thin…I think I’m jealous, of a 13 year old. Also, concerned, want to help but can’t interfere anymore – the last time I did interfere it wasn’t a good outcome.

Ok I need to try and re-focus for the day and do something that makes me feel good/ like I have achieved something in this office today…wish me luck!

Published by Sober Singer

A 30-something year old mum of 3 on a mission to life life alcohol free

7 thoughts on “Mad March

  1. 🤗🤗🤗 you must certainly are not rotten. I’m the other way with food and binge and yo yo diet. Like scant accept my body a normal weight so need to fill it to make it big and invisible again.
    Could you try a new career? I quit my job and although I’m so so nervous about starting again, I’m so excited too

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  2. I try to keep in my mind, that I only can control me.
    I use a lot of positive self talk to help me, as well as just do something for 5 minutes, that usually adds up to more!
    xo
    Wendy

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  3. Definitely you’re not rotten at all! Maybe start a small task and feel good about that? Write down what your going to do and finish it and then check it off. I get happier when I see my check list growing. Working for family has to be hard. I live all around my husbands family. Overall they are good people however it leaves me very stressed at times. Hope you feel better!!

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  4. Hug
    I used to have a very cruel and critical inner voice. It was easier to blame myself for everything that to try to understand why people acted as they did.
    I thought everyone had this, and I did not believe in happiness. I was generally biding my time until I died.

    Some longer sober time, some therapy and a lot of work on self compassion and unconditional self acceptance, which included zero goals, commitments, except sobriety, changed everything. Medication also played a part. And yoga.

    Somehow this calmed my nervous system and I began to hear that voice and I realized it wasn’t cruel, it was sad. I was sad. And even a little self care made me feel better. One day I woke up and I was actually happy. Like, everything is exactly as it is supposed to be, right now, happy.

    You can have that too. I can’t believe I have a quiet, kind mind. But I do. So it is possible.

    Give yourself a break. You are doing ok. Gather support. Slow and gentle.

    Hugs and love
    Anne

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