So regarding my short break a few weeks ago, night 2 was successful again, we had a gathering outside all the caravans and I mostly engaged with my toddler – because I’m mum and that’s my job and we had a lovely time, I enjoyed it. The third night though I just decided I would drink. Just like that! Just like a switch you flick on and off, but when the switch hasn’t been on for a while it’s usually OK to start, so this wasn’t a huge disaster. I had two drinks at the restaurant with my family (4 units)between 5 pm-6 and then was patient and we had to wait outside in the rain to get into the presentation for my daughters football (they won every match they are amazing!). I tried several times to order drinks (a drink) from my phone using the app, as the covid rules are now you can’t go to the bar…but there was an error which is probably good. It didn’t bother me so much. We watched the presentation then about 8 I took the little one out of the room as it was dragging on and very loud, so I was waiting in the bar for the rest to come out and see what we were all to do next. I did manage to get a table which meant I could order, and I ordered two drinks since I thought I’d have one now and one with everyone else and the service is so slow etc. I drank one (6 units) and carried the other out as the family had left (there was a one way system in place so it is hard to explain but it wasn’t as easy as me going up to them, they had to come out one side of the building and que at the other and I was already in the middle…it was ridiculously organised but anyway..
Middle daughter was crying, and ready to kick off – the weekend was seeing eldest daughter being praised and celebrated, Middle had had a friend staying with us for two nights who had now left and she was just tired and the rain and etc it was all about to blow. So I took her back to the caravan, I carried my stupid drink with me.
She kicked off big time when we got back and by the time everything was settled it was near 10pm and I threw the drink away, which I was pleased about – I kept looking at it, firstly though should I down it before I left the building, then thought about downing it before leaving the outdoor area, then when she was kicking off there were several times I thought about it, but in the end I didn’t want it for the taste of whatever and thought 6 units is manageable for my body, 8 units would tip me over to the bad stomach in the morning and for what? It may have made me want to go back out again which would have been a big mistake.
I did try to imagine how I would have handled things differently with M if I hadn’t have had alcohol, but I wasn’t actually drunk – 4 units at tea time with a meal and then another 2 wasn’t the end of the world and I think I remained calm and in control.
So I didn’t feel too bad, or guilty about the whole weekend.
But….guess what one ok session lead to…another, and then a not so ok ‘nother… Well I was singing on Saturday at a live event and was handed proseco, so had one glass, and that was that. Fine. No problem. Then on bank holiday Monday I decided again I was going to drink at/ after my gig. This was a mistake. The gig seemed to go downhill, the afternoon had so many problems – my mum came and was causing issues, the kids were moody, Mr A was shaking his head when I was singing etc and I just…drank. I had about 5 units at the venue then went home. Walked the dog, sat and had another 2 outside the club at the park, went to the corner shop bought 7 units, went out again and bought a drink (which was single I now see from a receipt) to have outside as I walked with a friend (a friend that I talk to about this and she was helpful). It’s not the end of the world, I didn’t do anything stupid (apart from drink in the first place). But this just confirms that yes I still need to keep the fuck away from vodka. Just no. No to vodka, for the rest of my life. So from 3 am yesterday morning I was up, first making myself vomit to try and prevent feeling as bad, but then being involuntary sick, I realised Id not really had a meal since the morning before and my stomach is just saying no to this type of treatment and behavior. I know all the things I did wrong, and I know there are no excuses, I am fully responsible for these actions, but 1st June 2021, new month, new me…I have made the promise to myself and my daughters that I will never again drink vodka, I can drink alcohol if I want it, but not vodka. Even the word is not appealing, vod-ka it sounds like the devils drink.