So my “no vodka” in June didn’t stick…I think there was one night in June when I drank, and then July I’ve drank three times I think, once a week. No major fall out from any of the sessions, just….ugh!!
Ugh is the only way I can describe the last two times I have drank. The first time was fine it was prosecco with a friend and I stopped when I wanted to and that was that. Except I did go and buy a big bottle of vodka and had a few vodkas too which isn’t ok as that’s what makes my stomach so bad. The next day I took the vodka to a good friend. And told her to have it. I probably had about 9 units of Prosecco and 4-5 of vodka which I didn’t need. But it was well over a full afternoon and evening and I felt not too bad about it all.
So that gave my brain that false sense of security….so last week I asked my friend for a few measures of the vodka so I could have it tat night, I took what I knew I could manage, about 9 units, and enjoyed that. But then as I walked home past the pub I just stopped and went in 🤷♀️🤦🏼♀️ it was 10.30 and I was there an hour, long enough for a double and then I asked for a single but think he may have given me double… such a waste, random chats..very sad. There was only about 6 people in the bar- One guy said “it’s quite a brave thing to do, walk into a bar on your own, what’s brought you here?” To which I felt rather ashamed, as it didn’t seem hard to me as the drive to keep drinking just takes over. That’s addiction.
My stomach was very bad the next morning.
Then there was last night. We had a special event on at work. A day in the theatre. After the first show we went to a lovely pub for food. It wasn’t me on stage I was involved more with the production side and my job was pretty much done but really I shouldn’t have started drinking. If anything had gone wrong and I was needed I wouldn’t have been able to step in. I decided to have a large glass of wine with the food.
We left the pub and went back to the theatre, where I asked if the bar was open, she said she wasn’t but could get me a drink .,.I had my usual double vodka and downed it in a corner where no one was and then went back ten mins later for another which I drank in the toilets. I knew I shouldn’t have been drinking which is why I was being secretive. I then went to get drinks for some colleges which was part of my role, but I asked for one for myself and she gave the wrong drink so I ended up with two more, one lemonade one coke.
Watched the show then made it my priority to get one last drink. FFS! What is that about?
My stomach is horrendous this morning and to make things worse I had garlic which also upsets my stomach….it’s got to be all or nothing. Nothing, I want NOTHING. NO MORE VODKA IN MY LIFE PLEASE EVER AGAIN.
This is not rock bottom, I’ve been there, but I don’t want to go back in order to remind myself that this drinking life isn’t for me. AS OF TODAY I START again for the last time.
Downloaded a new sober app. Have a day out on Saturday and I’m driving, can’t bloody wait!!!!xxxx