I’ve never really said those words out loud to anyone before. Society telling me that I’m not alcohol dependent daily – so therefore I can’t be an alcoholic. I have a ‘drink problem’ – the problem simply is I’m a fucking alcoholic! Simple as that. As soon as I accept this truth I can begin to move forward can’t I?
Here is a simple google search result – I’ve put all the things that apply to me in BOLD
What is heavy drinking? For women, it’s having more than three drinks a day or seven a week. For men, it’s four or more per day or 14 a week. If you drink more than the daily or weekly limit, you’re at risk.
That’s not the only way to tell if you or someone you care about needs help. There are some other red flags. You might:
- Say you have a problem or joke about alcoholism
- Not keep up with major responsibilities at home, work, or school
- Lose friendships or have relationship problems due to drinking, but you don’t quit alcohol
- Have legal problems related to drinking, such as a DUI arrest
- Need alcohol to relax or feel confident
- Drink in the morning or when you’re alone
- Get drunk when you don’t intend to
- Forget what you did while drinking
- Deny drinking, hide alcohol, or get angry when confronted about drinking
- Cause loved ones to worry about or make excuses for your drinking
Well that’s a lot of bold up there isn’t it!?!
I only write when I struggle – it really helps to journal my thoughts, but I need to use this tool daily at the moment I think. So what’s going on I hear you ask…well…
My no vodka rule (ever) is still in play – but notice the loop hole I gave myself – I could still DRINK! So this plan was never going to work was it… I had a bottle of wine on Sunday evening, It was 12% so I had 9 units. There is that false sense of ‘I’m ok’ buffer you see. So last night I had made loose arrangements to meet my friend for tea and when this was cancelled I still fancied a drink. I don’t keep alcohol in the house, but over the road is my in-laws and they had a few bottles of wine left from a charity night we had run on Saturday, hence why I had one on Sunday. Last night I choose the lesser alcohol content – knowing I had to be up for work at 6 am. So it was 7.5 units – not bad really as some wines that’s like two glasses, I had the bottle, but it wasn’t enough. If I had had the stronger one I probably would have been satisfied at the 9 unit mark….
So I drank 2 bottles, did tip some away so probably had about 13-14 units – we all know this tips over my limit as I’m a small little thing and can’t handle it! I ended up having a much needed heart to heart with my two sisters on a video call which was actually really needed and I’m pleased that happened. But I text my boss to ask if I could switch my days for opening at work – so there we have ‘not keeping up with responsibilities at work’ (although I changed this and got my ass out of bed this morning and came in, but that decision was made at 4 am when I realised that I was taking the piss).
Thing is – I know why I am struggling – I have a lot going on emotionally, like a lot in my head so I should vent about it here – I will come back tomorrow to do that. So today is day one or sobriety. Only one rule – no Alcohol full stop!