My letter box is full

I haven’t ran properly for weeks, even months. I went out this morning and made myself run the usual 10k I used to do most Monday’s. Recently I’ve taken a shorter route, just not had the drive to do it, but today I did and I loved it so much. I remember why I love running long distance, once I get past that first few miles I have an inner dialogue that feels very therapeutic. A constant chatter backwards and forwards with myself and when I stop running it stops and I feel like I’ve worked it through – this is healthy right?

Today I was thinking about PTSD, and complex PTSD, and what mine looked like, and how if I had been able to work through each traumatic experience as a child then perhaps I wouldn’t be where I am today still trying to piece bits together sometimes.

I had a vision of a little post box – where each time I felt violated or scared, I’d post a little note in the box, thinking one day I could go back and ‘work through it’, only the notes kept coming, too fast, too many, and they became mixed up, entangled with one another, and it wouldn’t make sense to take one out and read it, without starting from the beginning, but I can’t find the start, I can’t pin point or be sure about anything, it’s too hard, too much, it’s far easier to just keep posting the notes and try to forget they exist. But just like the ironing pile, it becomes overwhelming, it doesn’t go away, it is still there, more mixed up and complicated than ever, it continues to grow and you wonder why it feels impossible to start to address.

This is what I feel my brain resembles at the moment, and I don’t know why I am thinking about this – why I’ve come back to this, I thought I was fixed years ago but then something happens to remind me I am still fragile, easily broken, I’m very grateful I have plenty of superglue support people to help me piece things back together.

Here are some of the notes I might have put in that box – (not a definitive list)

>In the car while she ran into the bank>In the loft>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>when I was in the bath> when I was getting out the bath>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan> on holiday> on the airplane> when she was in hospital for weeks>everyday>in the dining room>at my grandparents house> at my aunties house> at their friends house>on the way to school>my bedroom>the greenhouse>his parents house>my birthday party>boxing day.>In the car while she ran into the bank>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan> on holiday> on the airplane> when she was in hospital for weeks>everyday>in the dining room>at my grandparents house> at my aunties house> at their friends house>on the way to >In the car while she ran into the bank>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan> on holiday> on the airplane> when she was in hospital for weeks>everyday>in the dining room>at my grandparents house> at my aunties house> at their friends house>on the way to >In the car while she ran into the bank>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan> on holiday> on the airplane> when she was in hospital for weeks>everyday>in the dining room>at my grandparents house> at my aunties house> at their friends house>on the way to >In the car while she ran into the bank>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan> on holiday> on the airplane> when she was in hospital for weeks>everyday>in the dining room>at my grandparents house> at my aunties house> at their friends house>on the way to >In the car while she ran into the bank>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan> on holiday> on the airplane> when she was in hospital for weeks>everyday>in the dining room>at my grandparents house> at my aunties house> at their friends house>on the way to >In the car while she ran into the bank>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan>

Published by Sober Singer

A 30-something year old mum of 3 on a mission to life life alcohol free

One thought on “My letter box is full

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