A New Dawn

So the weeks have been full of the usual positivity and then ‘just a few drinks’ leading to a crash at least once a week since August I reckon…

The Thursday before last I bought a bottle of wine to have with tea and the family (for myself as he doesn’t drink though) and that seemed ok…until after bedtime I took the dog for a walk to the pub for about an hour and a half and had 3 further drinks whilst I sat and talked shite to people I don’t know. The thing is I do enjoy doing that, meeting people and bonding over drinks and music with them, I guess it reminds me of happier times with alcohol and my brother and his pals. So that wasn’t great and I feel terrible the day after and hate lying to my partner.

New goal was set and I got to day 6 and there were times in that day when I could have drank, opportunities to drink don’t happen for me everyday, but these are the RED days when I have to constantly avoid thinking about how I could ‘just have one’. Anyway, day 6 I didn’t cave! So day 7 which was also a red day felt easy, I didn’t have to worry, after all, yesterday I managed, I must be ok now…

Low and behold I did the shopping, didn’t buy alcohol. But this nagging thought to have a glass of that cheap pink wine in Weatherspoons was just sitting in the back of my mind. I had one hour till pick up time and was trying to watch a netflix series to take my mind off it. The dog started barking at the workmen next door and I just got up, took my laptop and headphones and walked on autopilot to the bar. Living in the town centre is hard – but no excuse.

I had three drinks in the space of that hour and then floated up to school to collect my beautiful little one (walking). I feel immensely guilty about this and this is the driving force behind this new motivation – so please don’t judge me. I was drunk because I was talking shit to people, we went via the park as one of her friends was going that way and I thought it would be safer to stick with them and cross the road with them etc. I mean I had had 6 units so it wasn’t horrendous but the fresh air and lack of lunch, I didn’t feel out of it at the time but now I think I probably was. I know some mums have boozy lunches now and then and collect their little ones like this but it’s not for me and I am very regretful.

We walked via the shop for some ‘sweets’ and I was relieved when the friend left the shop before us so I could ask for vodka from behind the counter. The smallest bottle was £9.99.

Must have gotten home just after 4pm and by the time my 13 year old was home at 5.15 she could tell I had been drinking, a few times she said ‘you’re drunk’ ….her dad didn’t realise until much later and I heard her say ‘she’s been like this all night dad’.

I was hiding the vodka of course and to this day I don’t know what happened to the other half of the bottle, I think I probably took it out and threw it in the street bin to stop myself from having too much. Either that or it will turn up sometime in a really random place like a boot or with the cleaning products. It pretty much the same poison as the cleaning stuff so that would figure.

I slid (fell) down the last few steps and hurt my foot which has been badly bruised until yesterday. I have this faint memory of having little one in my arms and telling her how sorry I was and that I would never hurt her….even though I was hurting her there and then, putting her in danger, I could have fallen from the top or anything, lucky it was just my foot that was bruised. I think it was more of a slide onto my bum, but the other 2 came when they heard the bang and they were laughing about it the next day when I apologised and asked them please not to tell their dad. He must have been walking the dog at the time. 13 year olds friend who comes each week was also there – we are close family friends so it wasn’t too embarrassing 13 said, but the fact it was tea time was just stupid.

So on Friday morning I made a call (btw I had called the local recovery centre the friday before and they have never called back which Im pretty mad about!)

I called Claire Owen – the soberholic – here is her website – https://www.thesoberholic.com/

Ive been following her for a few years but now I finally invested some money and Im working alongside her to change. I do not want to be ‘drunk mom’. I don’t want this to be the norm for my kids. I don’t want them to remember coming home to ‘drunk mom’ and having to look after themselves and me when I slide down steps and can’t remember anything they say or do that evening. I’ve had a few “I told you this last night” or “I showed you it online the other night”…no recollection. Very Sad.

I’ve also invested in an app called ‘Reframe’ which has daily tasks and educates throughout – one of the interesting posts I saw yesterday was about how the term ‘alcoholic’ can make some of us stuck

On Friday morning my other half asked me (in a patronising voice which I can’t stand) “have you got anything to say?”…I said I was sorry, I said ” I have a problem with alcohol and need some help” I sobbed and he held me.

I only have to read this post to not drink, but it is strange how easily the memory fades.

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Published by Sober Singer

A 30-something year old mum of 3 on a mission to life life alcohol free

6 thoughts on “A New Dawn

  1. Saying that out loud to your other half is a huge step in the right direction. I had to do that with my hubby. It was a turning point. Sounds like you have taken some more great steps in the right direction! Will be thinking of you! You can do it!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Continue to look for help. Try it all.
    I remember thinking to myself that I was turning into the lady in the AA commercial, passed out on the couch with the kids looking on.

    I also know I managed on the edge of that for years.

    If I regret anything it’s not quitting sooner, when I knew I was behaving irrationally. I was scared by my own compulsiveness. Yet, it never seemed that different than others I knew, and my ex was a drinker too.

    The freedom and relied that came with sobriety was surprising. In a few weeks it will be 9 years. Years. And I still thank myself regularly for putting down the booze.

    It is just deep relief. And limitless possibility.

    You can do this too.

    Stillness and peace,
    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes its like even though I told myself this would never escalate, my behaviour is becoming more and more unacceptable, taking more risks, like driving (even after 5 hours and technically enough time to be fine I have never driven after a drink before 12 hours (morning)

      Like

      1. Yes.
        I read an article about morning after duis and I was worried.
        Honestly, I don’t think I could have survived the embarrassment of a dui or other legal problems.

        This pushed me to try no alcohol. I was only going to do it for a year, but I just never looked back.

        The freedom is just too amazing. Who knew?

        You can do this!
        Anne

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Like Anne, I was in denial so long, and my drinking only got more risky. I stopped because I knew my husband was almost to his wits end. And he is such a good guy. Try everything you can, reach out to people, and keep trying. It is so worth it, and not having to worry about falling down the steps. or getting a DUI is the best!!!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

    1. The first week has passed and I feel great, have a family celebration meal tonight and have decided to have a fresh orange, no changing my mind. I may even go to the toilet and ask my friend to order my drink for me so there is no temptation, and all the comments from others “really, not a bottle of wine”!

      Liked by 1 person

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