Playing it fucking forward..

So I know that all the times that have come before are part of my “sober journey” and I have learnt from each but it’s getting really old now and I’m bored. I know I need to simply step OFF the cycle, and I have done in the past and will do again. I’m not at rock bottom but I have been, and I’m not looking for anything here like pity or an arse kicking…I’m simply using this space to vent.

This happened ….. I was at an audition in london which I left feeling pretty confident about, decided to have one drink just as I walked back to kings cross for my train, I didn’t need to drive later so why not relax and just have one (double) to relax me.

I stopped at a random pub walking back and had one, but got chatting to this really lovely couple (who were probably enjoying their own company) so thought I’d stay for one more. My open ticket had seven return options and it was only 3pm so what’s the hurry?

Got to kings cross at 4 for 4.30 train, just enough time to look around for a nice miniature wine for the train as theirs wasn’t so good last time I was on a train a few weeks ago…it’s 2for £8 so after the first round I got another to take one home to have that night.

Anyway back to today!no little wines and I didn’t want a big bottle obviously I could never drink that much!! Got two cans of single vodkas and coke instead. Drank before train left the station. Could face the wine now. Got my first two. Got my second two. Started chatting to a random guy who was getting off in the town before me, impulsively asked if he wanted to go for a drink and I would get off there and get a later train home!!! This was about 7pm…fucking idiot. Thank god he said he couldn’t.

Got to my station (after the cafe crew I was standing talking to whilst getting my final 2 minis wines) said “isn’t this your stop!” Fuck me I would have been on route to Edinburgh god knows how I would have gotten home and when.

Once home I sat on a bench drinking the wine talking to a friend on the phone (which incidentally was a great conversation from what I remember). Then I walked through the street to my house but got pulled into the friendly Italian place I sing at often and ordered my usual…have no payment receipt for this so I probably did that arrogant “oh I don’t pay” shit that I’ve done before…. Have text apologies this morning.

Staggered into the house at 10.30 ish to the disgust of my partner who was expend at 8.15. What a twat I am. Hadn’t been in touch at all. Apparently couldn’t stand. Had an argument I can’t remember . Slept in my daughters bed with her in clothes and make up. Had to get up and drive at 7am. Woke up at 5am. Phone call record from 11.05…just.awful!

So this is what happens when I PLAY FORWARD “JUST HAVING ONE”…. Because this actually didn’t happen today, it happened last week, and todays trip to london (for the recall) I am PLAYING IT FORWARD and there is No such thing as just one for me”. I’ve got a train in half an hour and have spoilt myself with good food this afternoon instead of poison. I ran 23 miles yesterday so the worst thing for my body would be alcohol again. I have committed to my hypnotherapist for the next month of online 1-2-1 support and hypnosis to get a final grip on this.

No more will my memories be marked with this. My kids will not remember all the times mammy was drunk. Not on holidays, not on trains, not on planes….not any fucking more!!!