Ride it out

I’ve been thinking o only tend to come here for a pity party and kind gentle words of reassurance after a binge night- so I’m putting this out there tonight. I want to have a bottle of wine tonight. I wanted to have one last night. I didn’t and I felt so happy that I didn’t but it is uncomfortable sitting with this. I realised I was “going to take the recycling to the shop” simply as a way for my brain to make it one step easier for me to cave….so the recyclables wait…do you find yourself making excuses to pop out when you know you shouldn’t?

I’m trying to think why I want to drink and at the money I think it is just habit. I promised my nearly 13 year old I wouldn’t drink in the house so who am I to break that promise. I’m on a 12 day streak now…. I can do this!!!!

Core Beliefs

I had a session with a life coach yesterday on zoom – she is an amazing woman! I saw her last year to do hypnosis to cut back on drinking and it helped so much. Now I’ve decided it just a ‘no full stop’ to drinking I wanted to see her again. I did a look back through my diary and saw the drinking days of the last month -( see image below), I can see what a terrible spiral I’ve been in with wine drinking.

I had a huge argument with my mum either the week before of two weeks before the start of November. She told me she was suicidal and all sorts of crap, I now believe it was all manipulation as she was in the wrong and can’t ever admit it. Since then me and my sisters have been talking together and are able to join up lots of dots. Turns out my mum is a narcissist. It a big accusation to throw at her but there is lots of supporting evidence, and it’s not like we need to confront her or anything just that we are going to better equip ourselves to manage her behaviors. Anyway, Nov 6th was when I did the charity gig and got given a free box of wine, which kicked off the whole cycle. To be honest when I’ve looked at the dates it feels like this wine drinking has been going on for longer than 4 weeks. I mean the patter is obvious – Sunday afternoons, I’m off Fridays and visit my mum Thursdays…hmm

anyway – what I discovered yesterday is that I need to start to change my core beliefs. This is the belief that I am worthless, and that I will be abandoned. I will come back to discuss these issues and what led up to them, but I feel I may finally be able to change these beliefs and put things right in my head.

My letter box is full

I haven’t ran properly for weeks, even months. I went out this morning and made myself run the usual 10k I used to do most Monday’s. Recently I’ve taken a shorter route, just not had the drive to do it, but today I did and I loved it so much. I remember why I love running long distance, once I get past that first few miles I have an inner dialogue that feels very therapeutic. A constant chatter backwards and forwards with myself and when I stop running it stops and I feel like I’ve worked it through – this is healthy right?

Today I was thinking about PTSD, and complex PTSD, and what mine looked like, and how if I had been able to work through each traumatic experience as a child then perhaps I wouldn’t be where I am today still trying to piece bits together sometimes.

I had a vision of a little post box – where each time I felt violated or scared, I’d post a little note in the box, thinking one day I could go back and ‘work through it’, only the notes kept coming, too fast, too many, and they became mixed up, entangled with one another, and it wouldn’t make sense to take one out and read it, without starting from the beginning, but I can’t find the start, I can’t pin point or be sure about anything, it’s too hard, too much, it’s far easier to just keep posting the notes and try to forget they exist. But just like the ironing pile, it becomes overwhelming, it doesn’t go away, it is still there, more mixed up and complicated than ever, it continues to grow and you wonder why it feels impossible to start to address.

This is what I feel my brain resembles at the moment, and I don’t know why I am thinking about this – why I’ve come back to this, I thought I was fixed years ago but then something happens to remind me I am still fragile, easily broken, I’m very grateful I have plenty of superglue support people to help me piece things back together.

Here are some of the notes I might have put in that box – (not a definitive list)

>In the car while she ran into the bank>In the loft>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>when I was in the bath> when I was getting out the bath>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan> on holiday> on the airplane> when she was in hospital for weeks>everyday>in the dining room>at my grandparents house> at my aunties house> at their friends house>on the way to school>my bedroom>the greenhouse>his parents house>my birthday party>boxing day.>In the car while she ran into the bank>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan> on holiday> on the airplane> when she was in hospital for weeks>everyday>in the dining room>at my grandparents house> at my aunties house> at their friends house>on the way to >In the car while she ran into the bank>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan> on holiday> on the airplane> when she was in hospital for weeks>everyday>in the dining room>at my grandparents house> at my aunties house> at their friends house>on the way to >In the car while she ran into the bank>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan> on holiday> on the airplane> when she was in hospital for weeks>everyday>in the dining room>at my grandparents house> at my aunties house> at their friends house>on the way to >In the car while she ran into the bank>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan> on holiday> on the airplane> when she was in hospital for weeks>everyday>in the dining room>at my grandparents house> at my aunties house> at their friends house>on the way to >In the car while she ran into the bank>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan> on holiday> on the airplane> when she was in hospital for weeks>everyday>in the dining room>at my grandparents house> at my aunties house> at their friends house>on the way to >In the car while she ran into the bank>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan>

Hello, my name is Laura, and I’m an alcoholic

I’ve never really said those words out loud to anyone before. Society telling me that I’m not alcohol dependent daily – so therefore I can’t be an alcoholic. I have a ‘drink problem’ – the problem simply is I’m a fucking alcoholic! Simple as that. As soon as I accept this truth I can begin to move forward can’t I?

Here is a simple google search result – I’ve put all the things that apply to me in BOLD

What is heavy drinking? For women, it’s having more than three drinks a day or seven a week. For men, it’s four or more per day or 14 a week. If you drink more than the daily or weekly limit, you’re at risk.

That’s not the only way to tell if you or someone you care about needs help. There are some other red flags. You might:

  • Say you have a problem or joke about alcoholism
  • Not keep up with major responsibilities at home, work, or school
  • Lose friendships or have relationship problems due to drinking, but you don’t quit alcohol
  • Have legal problems related to drinking, such as a DUI arrest
  • Need alcohol to relax or feel confident
  • Drink in the morning or when you’re alone
  • Get drunk when you don’t intend to
  • Forget what you did while drinking
  • Deny drinking, hide alcohol, or get angry when confronted about drinking
  • Cause loved ones to worry about or make excuses for your drinking

Well that’s a lot of bold up there isn’t it!?!

I only write when I struggle – it really helps to journal my thoughts, but I need to use this tool daily at the moment I think. So what’s going on I hear you ask…well…

My no vodka rule (ever) is still in play – but notice the loop hole I gave myself – I could still DRINK! So this plan was never going to work was it… I had a bottle of wine on Sunday evening, It was 12% so I had 9 units. There is that false sense of ‘I’m ok’ buffer you see. So last night I had made loose arrangements to meet my friend for tea and when this was cancelled I still fancied a drink. I don’t keep alcohol in the house, but over the road is my in-laws and they had a few bottles of wine left from a charity night we had run on Saturday, hence why I had one on Sunday. Last night I choose the lesser alcohol content – knowing I had to be up for work at 6 am. So it was 7.5 units – not bad really as some wines that’s like two glasses, I had the bottle, but it wasn’t enough. If I had had the stronger one I probably would have been satisfied at the 9 unit mark….

So I drank 2 bottles, did tip some away so probably had about 13-14 units – we all know this tips over my limit as I’m a small little thing and can’t handle it! I ended up having a much needed heart to heart with my two sisters on a video call which was actually really needed and I’m pleased that happened. But I text my boss to ask if I could switch my days for opening at work – so there we have ‘not keeping up with responsibilities at work’ (although I changed this and got my ass out of bed this morning and came in, but that decision was made at 4 am when I realised that I was taking the piss).

Thing is – I know why I am struggling – I have a lot going on emotionally, like a lot in my head so I should vent about it here – I will come back tomorrow to do that. So today is day one or sobriety. Only one rule – no Alcohol full stop!