‘Do we have to go through this rigmarole every time….’

I find myself hearing this woman’s Manchester accent in my head every time I wake up knowing I shouldn’t have drank…. Here’s a link to the original very British ad for those not familiar https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMA79vgF2Ow

There’s nothing more to say really other than, I know I shouldn’t have drank, I know I should have stopped…blah blah blah. I’m so fed up of it. It’s getting so old. Although I’m not making great big embarrassing mistakes, or having huge agreements etc, the only downside or reason I feel bad is that I physically feel so bad – my stomach literally treats vodka like poison (after all that is what it is) and rejects the amount I put into it (13 units this time which is the average for me). I was happy whilst drinking/ drunk. I just wasn’t happy when I woke from 3 hours of deep sleep to know that I was about to spend the next 6 hours in the bathroom…….which I did. I am very well acquainted with my bathroom floor tiles… anyway…

So the only thing to do is to create an official BAN of alcohol for one year – set myself a challenge. I know it’s not ideal, and I shouldn’t see it as a ‘game’ to stop drinking, but I know when I set myself a challenge I can do it – and then hopefully after the year the new behaviors will be so well embedded that I won’t want to revert back. I know I can get out of this rut. So this is a year of No VODKA. No SPIRITS. NO GETTING DRUNK.

I’ve re-downloaded the sober time app and started the clock yesterday. I also need to give up the Pepsi max habit – the one can a day is an addiction like any other and is bad for me and my children are now aware of it. When I allow myself that it’s really just a step away from putting the vodka into it….if I don’t have that in the house there’s another obstacle to climb ….that’s how I see it anyway

Oops I did it again !…

I’ve fucked again, this is the second time In the last three weekends. I know why, and I know what I need to do, I just…yeah I’m an alcoholic

I don’t have normal relationship with alcohol and need to keep reminding myself of this

I’m going to be very kind to myself today and will blog again tomorrow

Isolation sober???

So last Monday I took a positive covid test and realised I’d had symptoms starting that weekend which I’d put down to hayfever and tiredness with being at my daughters footy tournament and the long drive/restless hotel sleep and grass.

So I was very lucky as it was just lie having a cold for 48 hours and loosing my sense of taste and smell, which in its self messed up my eating schedule and caused a problem for one of the days but really I can’t complain!

Unfortunately it meant I couldn’t go on our planned family trip- but now as other household members that are double jabbed or under 18 don’t have to isolate the rest of the family went with their auntie and this meant I had the house to myself which was better for isolation.

The first few days while I was unwell passed, although I had a real low when my two sisters started giving me shit about the isolation period- they had their facts wrong and were trying to imply I wasn’t following the rules, and I shouldn’t have let the family go (even though it’s is the guidelines now and they were all having negative lateral flows etc-they have all continued to be fine). Then someone else “told me off” for a work related thing- I introduced myself to someone when I took my daughter for a rehearsal at another company and got accused of “trying to promote my business through my daughter” or some shit….anyway it’s total school yard shit and people trying to monopolise conversations, but I’m so sensitive I take anything like this to heart and I just felt low to start, then missing the kids, and realising that I hadn’t really eaten that day- I was a mess.

Anyway that day ended and I started to pick up, then on the day before the kids came back I suddenly realised (as I was feeling fine) .. “I could get smashed out my head and no one would know”… which would have previously seemed like an exciting idea. I thought about it…I mean it would be illegal to go to the shops but I knew that wouldn’t have stopped me before… I thought about why I would want to do that… I couldn’t think why… I thought about feeling shit the next day- but I wouldn’t have the guilt because I was alone and nothing was expected of me this week, I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything so why not?

But I genuinely thought what a stupid idea it would be… all the things I could be doing instead, which I had been enjoying (getting in with online stuff, watching a box set, daft stuff like that)… and I thought how I would start with a small amount and then there would be nothing to stop me continuing…how dangerous. Danger used to excite me. Now it doesn’t exactly scare me, it just doesn’t have the pull or allure it used to. M

Maybe this is growing up?

Is it still summer?

Last week I started to plan having a drink….this is what happens, a lot. I have a break, then one day my Brain just says “well you could” we all know how it goes and how the seed grows in to a huge great big uncontrollable weed that continues to return no matter how many times you pull it out by the goddamn root!?!

So I put weed killer on it and carried on, I actually thought it was longer since I had last drank and then when I figured it out it was just over 3 weeks and I just thought,come this is ridiculous.

The weed has popped through again this morning in the supermarket, but I thought no if I still want to drink later I can go out and purchase something- I.e if I impulsively buy it now as there are offers on in the supermarket I am then more than likely to drink it/get drunk/hate myself etc etc….

And that time in between is all I needed to remind myself that I only want the flowers to grow. Like kelly clarksons song “sober” – I will continue to “pick all my weeds, but keep the flowers”


Mid-summer update

Things have been going well these last few weeks since my last blog. The concert on the Saturday was great and I made the best decision to not drink. I arrived at the horse races with my two girls (12 & 10 now) – the event is called ‘ladies day’ but by the time we arrived there weren’t many ladies to be found…most had been drinking since the day began it seemed…so we made our way through thousands of drunk people wearing silly hats and fascinators, carrying pints and huge pitchers of booze….I felt embarrassed that had I not had the girls with me I could have been one of them…

Anyway the after races concert came on and we loved it. Im trying to put together a Jess Glynne Tribute so seeing her was part of my research into that and I feel confident I can recreate her set and show…she’s a bit of a lazy artist to tell you the truth I felt.

As we left there were fights starting and people literally couldn’t stand. Men standing peeing against the walls…it was awful…my daughter asked why the women were doing yoga – they were just on all 4’s on the grass because they had lost the ability to stand and were all pissing themselves laughing at each other. Again, a twinge of embarrassment that when it is you it is funny…but I kept picturing them the next morning, and how horrendous I would feel…and I was so grateful to myself for not drinking, as I know I would have been showing my kids that this behaviour is acceptable. it’s just not.

Anyway, still sober since….and proud and pleased. Have booked a few nights away at the beginning of September – with kids of course so I wont be drinking. I won’t.

I took up a yoga challenge at a new place in town called ‘hot yoga’ they set the temperature in an inflatable tent to 37 degrees and you sweat like never before…I was emailed about a six week challenge and took on the ‘3 classes a week’ option (this was the highest one available). I immediately told myself I have to do 4 a week, and there is one other person on the board doing the same which is really annoying me. I know it shouldn’t be like this with yoga – it’s not a competition, it’s a self-thingie…but man that drive to prove myself just takes over. But it could be a worse habit? and this is only for 3 more weeks – I can’t keep it up its too expensive – once the challenge is up Ill do one class a week, for myself, no more signing up to challenges.

A similar thing happened about 6 weeks ago – I’m not sure if I already mentioned this?! But anyway – I signed up to a Marathon and immediately started freaking out about my training regime and time and it became so loud in my head I just cancelled the run. Now I have been offered (and I’ve accepted) a free place in the Great North Run – a very popular half marathon which I’ve never had the chance to do – and Im trying really hard NOT TO train, not to look at times, and just run when I can between then and now (there is only 5 weeks till the race or maybe 4…Im not counting!) and just doing it for myself…Im not announcing socially that I’m doing it (other than here but that doesn’t count right?)…I’m just going to run!

July 22nd is a special day

So my “no vodka” in June didn’t stick…I think there was one night in June when I drank, and then July I’ve drank three times I think, once a week. No major fall out from any of the sessions, just….ugh!!

Ugh is the only way I can describe the last two times I have drank. The first time was fine it was prosecco with a friend and I stopped when I wanted to and that was that. Except I did go and buy a big bottle of vodka and had a few vodkas too which isn’t ok as that’s what makes my stomach so bad. The next day I took the vodka to a good friend. And told her to have it. I probably had about 9 units of Prosecco and 4-5 of vodka which I didn’t need. But it was well over a full afternoon and evening and I felt not too bad about it all.

So that gave my brain that false sense of security….so last week I asked my friend for a few measures of the vodka so I could have it tat night, I took what I knew I could manage, about 9 units, and enjoyed that. But then as I walked home past the pub I just stopped and went in 🤷‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ it was 10.30 and I was there an hour, long enough for a double and then I asked for a single but think he may have given me double… such a waste, random chats..very sad. There was only about 6 people in the bar- One guy said “it’s quite a brave thing to do, walk into a bar on your own, what’s brought you here?” To which I felt rather ashamed, as it didn’t seem hard to me as the drive to keep drinking just takes over. That’s addiction.

My stomach was very bad the next morning.

Then there was last night. We had a special event on at work. A day in the theatre. After the first show we went to a lovely pub for food. It wasn’t me on stage I was involved more with the production side and my job was pretty much done but really I shouldn’t have started drinking. If anything had gone wrong and I was needed I wouldn’t have been able to step in. I decided to have a large glass of wine with the food.

We left the pub and went back to the theatre, where I asked if the bar was open, she said she wasn’t but could get me a drink .,.I had my usual double vodka and downed it in a corner where no one was and then went back ten mins later for another which I drank in the toilets. I knew I shouldn’t have been drinking which is why I was being secretive. I then went to get drinks for some colleges which was part of my role, but I asked for one for myself and she gave the wrong drink so I ended up with two more, one lemonade one coke.

Watched the show then made it my priority to get one last drink. FFS! What is that about?

My stomach is horrendous this morning and to make things worse I had garlic which also upsets my stomach….it’s got to be all or nothing. Nothing, I want NOTHING. NO MORE VODKA IN MY LIFE PLEASE EVER AGAIN.

This is not rock bottom, I’ve been there, but I don’t want to go back in order to remind myself that this drinking life isn’t for me. AS OF TODAY I START again for the last time.

Downloaded a new sober app. Have a day out on Saturday and I’m driving, can’t bloody wait!!!!xxxx

Here we go again…..

So regarding my short break a few weeks ago, night 2 was successful again, we had a gathering outside all the caravans and I mostly engaged with my toddler – because I’m mum and that’s my job and we had a lovely time, I enjoyed it. The third night though I just decided I would drink. Just like that! Just like a switch you flick on and off, but when the switch hasn’t been on for a while it’s usually OK to start, so this wasn’t a huge disaster. I had two drinks at the restaurant with my family (4 units)between 5 pm-6 and then was patient and we had to wait outside in the rain to get into the presentation for my daughters football (they won every match they are amazing!). I tried several times to order drinks (a drink) from my phone using the app, as the covid rules are now you can’t go to the bar…but there was an error which is probably good. It didn’t bother me so much. We watched the presentation then about 8 I took the little one out of the room as it was dragging on and very loud, so I was waiting in the bar for the rest to come out and see what we were all to do next. I did manage to get a table which meant I could order, and I ordered two drinks since I thought I’d have one now and one with everyone else and the service is so slow etc. I drank one (6 units) and carried the other out as the family had left (there was a one way system in place so it is hard to explain but it wasn’t as easy as me going up to them, they had to come out one side of the building and que at the other and I was already in the middle…it was ridiculously organised but anyway..

Middle daughter was crying, and ready to kick off – the weekend was seeing eldest daughter being praised and celebrated, Middle had had a friend staying with us for two nights who had now left and she was just tired and the rain and etc it was all about to blow. So I took her back to the caravan, I carried my stupid drink with me.

She kicked off big time when we got back and by the time everything was settled it was near 10pm and I threw the drink away, which I was pleased about – I kept looking at it, firstly though should I down it before I left the building, then thought about downing it before leaving the outdoor area, then when she was kicking off there were several times I thought about it, but in the end I didn’t want it for the taste of whatever and thought 6 units is manageable for my body, 8 units would tip me over to the bad stomach in the morning and for what? It may have made me want to go back out again which would have been a big mistake.

I did try to imagine how I would have handled things differently with M if I hadn’t have had alcohol, but I wasn’t actually drunk – 4 units at tea time with a meal and then another 2 wasn’t the end of the world and I think I remained calm and in control.

So I didn’t feel too bad, or guilty about the whole weekend.

But….guess what one ok session lead to…another, and then a not so ok ‘nother… Well I was singing on Saturday at a live event and was handed proseco, so had one glass, and that was that. Fine. No problem. Then on bank holiday Monday I decided again I was going to drink at/ after my gig. This was a mistake. The gig seemed to go downhill, the afternoon had so many problems – my mum came and was causing issues, the kids were moody, Mr A was shaking his head when I was singing etc and I just…drank. I had about 5 units at the venue then went home. Walked the dog, sat and had another 2 outside the club at the park, went to the corner shop bought 7 units, went out again and bought a drink (which was single I now see from a receipt) to have outside as I walked with a friend (a friend that I talk to about this and she was helpful). It’s not the end of the world, I didn’t do anything stupid (apart from drink in the first place). But this just confirms that yes I still need to keep the fuck away from vodka. Just no. No to vodka, for the rest of my life. So from 3 am yesterday morning I was up, first making myself vomit to try and prevent feeling as bad, but then being involuntary sick, I realised Id not really had a meal since the morning before and my stomach is just saying no to this type of treatment and behavior. I know all the things I did wrong, and I know there are no excuses, I am fully responsible for these actions, but 1st June 2021, new month, new me…I have made the promise to myself and my daughters that I will never again drink vodka, I can drink alcohol if I want it, but not vodka. Even the word is not appealing, vod-ka it sounds like the devils drink.