I had a session with a life coach yesterday on zoom – she is an amazing woman! I saw her last year to do hypnosis to cut back on drinking and it helped so much. Now I’ve decided it just a ‘no full stop’ to drinking I wanted to see her again. I did a look back through my diary and saw the drinking days of the last month -( see image below), I can see what a terrible spiral I’ve been in with wine drinking.
I had a huge argument with my mum either the week before of two weeks before the start of November. She told me she was suicidal and all sorts of crap, I now believe it was all manipulation as she was in the wrong and can’t ever admit it. Since then me and my sisters have been talking together and are able to join up lots of dots. Turns out my mum is a narcissist. It a big accusation to throw at her but there is lots of supporting evidence, and it’s not like we need to confront her or anything just that we are going to better equip ourselves to manage her behaviors. Anyway, Nov 6th was when I did the charity gig and got given a free box of wine, which kicked off the whole cycle. To be honest when I’ve looked at the dates it feels like this wine drinking has been going on for longer than 4 weeks. I mean the patter is obvious – Sunday afternoons, I’m off Fridays and visit my mum Thursdays…hmm
anyway – what I discovered yesterday is that I need to start to change my core beliefs. This is the belief that I am worthless, and that I will be abandoned. I will come back to discuss these issues and what led up to them, but I feel I may finally be able to change these beliefs and put things right in my head.
I haven’t ran properly for weeks, even months. I went out this morning and made myself run the usual 10k I used to do most Monday’s. Recently I’ve taken a shorter route, just not had the drive to do it, but today I did and I loved it so much. I remember why I love running long distance, once I get past that first few miles I have an inner dialogue that feels very therapeutic. A constant chatter backwards and forwards with myself and when I stop running it stops and I feel like I’ve worked it through – this is healthy right?
Today I was thinking about PTSD, and complex PTSD, and what mine looked like, and how if I had been able to work through each traumatic experience as a child then perhaps I wouldn’t be where I am today still trying to piece bits together sometimes.
I had a vision of a little post box – where each time I felt violated or scared, I’d post a little note in the box, thinking one day I could go back and ‘work through it’, only the notes kept coming, too fast, too many, and they became mixed up, entangled with one another, and it wouldn’t make sense to take one out and read it, without starting from the beginning, but I can’t find the start, I can’t pin point or be sure about anything, it’s too hard, too much, it’s far easier to just keep posting the notes and try to forget they exist. But just like the ironing pile, it becomes overwhelming, it doesn’t go away, it is still there, more mixed up and complicated than ever, it continues to grow and you wonder why it feels impossible to start to address.
This is what I feel my brain resembles at the moment, and I don’t know why I am thinking about this – why I’ve come back to this, I thought I was fixed years ago but then something happens to remind me I am still fragile, easily broken, I’m very grateful I have plenty of superglue support people to help me piece things back together.
Here are some of the notes I might have put in that box – (not a definitive list)
>In the car while she ran into the bank>In the loft>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>when I was in the bath> when I was getting out the bath>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan> on holiday> on the airplane> when she was in hospital for weeks>everyday>in the dining room>at my grandparents house> at my aunties house> at their friends house>on the way to school>my bedroom>the greenhouse>his parents house>my birthday party>boxing day.>In the car while she ran into the bank>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan> on holiday> on the airplane> when she was in hospital for weeks>everyday>in the dining room>at my grandparents house> at my aunties house> at their friends house>on the way to >In the car while she ran into the bank>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan> on holiday> on the airplane> when she was in hospital for weeks>everyday>in the dining room>at my grandparents house> at my aunties house> at their friends house>on the way to >In the car while she ran into the bank>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan> on holiday> on the airplane> when she was in hospital for weeks>everyday>in the dining room>at my grandparents house> at my aunties house> at their friends house>on the way to >In the car while she ran into the bank>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan> on holiday> on the airplane> when she was in hospital for weeks>everyday>in the dining room>at my grandparents house> at my aunties house> at their friends house>on the way to >In the car while she ran into the bank>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan> on holiday> on the airplane> when she was in hospital for weeks>everyday>in the dining room>at my grandparents house> at my aunties house> at their friends house>on the way to >In the car while she ran into the bank>In their bed when I was giving her a morning cuddle>when everyone was out for 4 hours>On the way to band practice>under the table at xmas dinner> while I sat on his knee when everyone was in the room again>Usual Sunday night>when he came into say goodnight>when I went to the bathroom>when I went upstairs alone>in the kitchen>in the shed>at the allotment>in the garden>in the conservatory>In the living room again> in the caravan>
I’ve never really said those words out loud to anyone before. Society telling me that I’m not alcohol dependent daily – so therefore I can’t be an alcoholic. I have a ‘drink problem’ – the problem simply is I’m a fucking alcoholic! Simple as that. As soon as I accept this truth I can begin to move forward can’t I?
Here is a simple google search result – I’ve put all the things that apply to me in BOLD
What is heavy drinking? For women, it’s having more than three drinks a day or seven a week. For men, it’s four or more per day or 14 a week. If you drink more than the daily or weekly limit, you’re at risk.
That’s not the only way to tell if you or someone you care about needs help. There are some other red flags. You might:
Say you have a problem or joke about alcoholism
Not keep up with major responsibilities at home, work, or school
Lose friendships or have relationship problems due to drinking, but you don’t quit alcohol
Have legal problems related to drinking, such as a DUI arrest
Need alcohol to relax or feel confident
Drink in the morning or when you’re alone
Get drunk when you don’t intend to
Forget what you did while drinking
Deny drinking, hide alcohol, or get angry when confronted about drinking
Cause loved ones to worry about or make excuses for your drinking
Well that’s a lot of bold up there isn’t it!?!
I only write when I struggle – it really helps to journal my thoughts, but I need to use this tool daily at the moment I think. So what’s going on I hear you ask…well…
My no vodka rule (ever) is still in play – but notice the loop hole I gave myself – I could still DRINK! So this plan was never going to work was it… I had a bottle of wine on Sunday evening, It was 12% so I had 9 units. There is that false sense of ‘I’m ok’ buffer you see. So last night I had made loose arrangements to meet my friend for tea and when this was cancelled I still fancied a drink. I don’t keep alcohol in the house, but over the road is my in-laws and they had a few bottles of wine left from a charity night we had run on Saturday, hence why I had one on Sunday. Last night I choose the lesser alcohol content – knowing I had to be up for work at 6 am. So it was 7.5 units – not bad really as some wines that’s like two glasses, I had the bottle, but it wasn’t enough. If I had had the stronger one I probably would have been satisfied at the 9 unit mark….
So I drank 2 bottles, did tip some away so probably had about 13-14 units – we all know this tips over my limit as I’m a small little thing and can’t handle it! I ended up having a much needed heart to heart with my two sisters on a video call which was actually really needed and I’m pleased that happened. But I text my boss to ask if I could switch my days for opening at work – so there we have ‘not keeping up with responsibilities at work’ (although I changed this and got my ass out of bed this morning and came in, but that decision was made at 4 am when I realised that I was taking the piss).
Thing is – I know why I am struggling – I have a lot going on emotionally, like a lot in my head so I should vent about it here – I will come back tomorrow to do that. So today is day one or sobriety. Only one rule – no Alcohol full stop!
I find myself hearing this woman’s Manchester accent in my head every time I wake up knowing I shouldn’t have drank…. Here’s a link to the original very British ad for those not familiar https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMA79vgF2Ow
There’s nothing more to say really other than, I know I shouldn’t have drank, I know I should have stopped…blah blah blah. I’m so fed up of it. It’s getting so old. Although I’m not making great big embarrassing mistakes, or having huge agreements etc, the only downside or reason I feel bad is that I physically feel so bad – my stomach literally treats vodka like poison (after all that is what it is) and rejects the amount I put into it (13 units this time which is the average for me). I was happy whilst drinking/ drunk. I just wasn’t happy when I woke from 3 hours of deep sleep to know that I was about to spend the next 6 hours in the bathroom…….which I did. I am very well acquainted with my bathroom floor tiles… anyway…
So the only thing to do is to create an official BAN of alcohol for one year – set myself a challenge. I know it’s not ideal, and I shouldn’t see it as a ‘game’ to stop drinking, but I know when I set myself a challenge I can do it – and then hopefully after the year the new behaviors will be so well embedded that I won’t want to revert back. I know I can get out of this rut. So this is a year of No VODKA. No SPIRITS. NO GETTING DRUNK.
I’ve re-downloaded the sober time app and started the clock yesterday. I also need to give up the Pepsi max habit – the one can a day is an addiction like any other and is bad for me and my children are now aware of it. When I allow myself that it’s really just a step away from putting the vodka into it….if I don’t have that in the house there’s another obstacle to climb ….that’s how I see it anyway
So last Monday I took a positive covid test and realised I’d had symptoms starting that weekend which I’d put down to hayfever and tiredness with being at my daughters footy tournament and the long drive/restless hotel sleep and grass.
So I was very lucky as it was just lie having a cold for 48 hours and loosing my sense of taste and smell, which in its self messed up my eating schedule and caused a problem for one of the days but really I can’t complain!
Unfortunately it meant I couldn’t go on our planned family trip- but now as other household members that are double jabbed or under 18 don’t have to isolate the rest of the family went with their auntie and this meant I had the house to myself which was better for isolation.
The first few days while I was unwell passed, although I had a real low when my two sisters started giving me shit about the isolation period- they had their facts wrong and were trying to imply I wasn’t following the rules, and I shouldn’t have let the family go (even though it’s is the guidelines now and they were all having negative lateral flows etc-they have all continued to be fine). Then someone else “told me off” for a work related thing- I introduced myself to someone when I took my daughter for a rehearsal at another company and got accused of “trying to promote my business through my daughter” or some shit….anyway it’s total school yard shit and people trying to monopolise conversations, but I’m so sensitive I take anything like this to heart and I just felt low to start, then missing the kids, and realising that I hadn’t really eaten that day- I was a mess.
Anyway that day ended and I started to pick up, then on the day before the kids came back I suddenly realised (as I was feeling fine) .. “I could get smashed out my head and no one would know”… which would have previously seemed like an exciting idea. I thought about it…I mean it would be illegal to go to the shops but I knew that wouldn’t have stopped me before… I thought about why I would want to do that… I couldn’t think why… I thought about feeling shit the next day- but I wouldn’t have the guilt because I was alone and nothing was expected of me this week, I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything so why not?
But I genuinely thought what a stupid idea it would be… all the things I could be doing instead, which I had been enjoying (getting in with online stuff, watching a box set, daft stuff like that)… and I thought how I would start with a small amount and then there would be nothing to stop me continuing…how dangerous. Danger used to excite me. Now it doesn’t exactly scare me, it just doesn’t have the pull or allure it used to. M
Last week I started to plan having a drink….this is what happens, a lot. I have a break, then one day my Brain just says “well you could” we all know how it goes and how the seed grows in to a huge great big uncontrollable weed that continues to return no matter how many times you pull it out by the goddamn root!?!
So I put weed killer on it and carried on, I actually thought it was longer since I had last drank and then when I figured it out it was just over 3 weeks and I just thought,come this is ridiculous.
The weed has popped through again this morning in the supermarket, but I thought no if I still want to drink later I can go out and purchase something- I.e if I impulsively buy it now as there are offers on in the supermarket I am then more than likely to drink it/get drunk/hate myself etc etc….
And that time in between is all I needed to remind myself that I only want the flowers to grow. Like kelly clarksons song “sober” – I will continue to “pick all my weeds, but keep the flowers”
Sober Diary 