Oh May oh My!

Well this May has been so much better than last years, I drank everyday last May, I think a lot of it does come down to not having to get up for work last year and the responsibilities etc. I didn’t drive for so long, that used to mean I could drink.

There have been about two days when I’ve walked past a pub beer garden and imagined going in, but quickly distracted myself or dismissed the thought, so that’s good.

There is a 3night family holiday next Friday which I keep wondering if o should drink at or not. I don’t want to I’m pretty sure but it’s going to test me.

It’s my eldest daughters football tournament and we are staying a caravan with the rest of the team in about 10 other vans next door…it’s a theme park so the last thing I want is a hangover wandering around trying to entertain the kids each day or on the long drive home. I won’t be taking any booze, and we are taking my middle daughters friend whose mum said “I’ll send some nice adult treats for you”. I thought about it for a while, and text her to say we didn’t drink so there was no need, I felt proud of this as it would have been easier just to accept wine or whatever and have the temptation there all weekend.

The rest of the group however do have lots of talk about what they will be drinking/ taking and I know there will be lots of drink available and offered, but I need to say no. I don’t need it, I need sleep more!!!! I’m sure there will be others there that don’t drink a lot, and I’m sure there will be some that drink too much and suffer from it! Not me!!!

I’m in charge of 4 kids, one isn’t mine so I need to stay responsible, it would be so easy to take a drink, but then I will want another, it will become embarrassing as I won’t have my own so then I’ll either have to beg, borrow or steal or pop to the shop and buy and then it begins and continues the horrid cycle of dread.

Please send positive vibes xx

Still here

I’m still here and I’m still sober and I’m still happy!! Apologies for the silence I’ve just been run off my feet and not needed to vent at all (which is great!) and have been busy living life…will aim to do a “proper post” soon though… loving life and being sober x

What the heck….?

I just suddenly thought it might be ok to drink on Saturday 🤦🏼‍♀️ what is wrong with me!!! Where is my strength going to mid-week? Ok

Reasons not to drink – come home and spend the evening with the kids for girly sleepover (I’ve planned this so the gathering can be earlier and said my kids have planned this so I can’t get out of it…a friend said why didn’t I ask them to bring it forward to Friday night instead)

Can take the car

Won’t have horrible hangover, won’t need medicine on Sunday morning

Will feel good on Easter Sunday

If I drink Saturday I will probably drink Easter Sunday and then it’s bank holiday Monday ffs

Won’t have to spend money on booze I don’t need

Won’t make a tit of myself /have regrets/ guilt

Update

I’ve been aware that I’ve been silent for a few weeks now and have been struggling to find the time to update! But things are good! Which silence usually indicates, as when it’s good, I don’t need to come and have these long chats with myself here!!

I’ll try to rewind to two weekends ago, I cant quite remember what happened and it doesn’t matter too much now to dwell on the details – but ah yes it was mothers day weekend… I had told myself or given myself permission to drink at some point that weekend, it must have been the Friday and I bought a special ‘big treat’ bottle of posh vodka in the supermarket. The kind that you wouldn’t guzzle. The kind you savour and drink socially. I decided that as I had arranged the day before to have a top up hypnotherapy session I could – she had offered me an appointment on the Friday evening, but my head said – go for the following week then you can have one last blow out. So yes I did exactly that!

Well there wasn’t any horrendous moments to be honest, I didn’t fall down or shout of cry, but I felt guilty the whole time, knowing I was been sneaky, knowing I was doing something that wasn’t good for me or my family. I drank the Friday night, the Saturday night and the Sunday from noon…Drinking in secret, holding my can of pop constantly so no one else picked it up by mistake and took a sip and learnt my secret. I did reach out to a friend and we went for a walk about 9pm on the Sunday as I was sobering up and I just knew this had to be it – I wasn’t having any pleasure from this at all, it was something else driving me to drink, the addiction and “I” felt like “I” was being forced and had no control over this.

My hypnotherapy session went great- the woman is a genius! We talked things out for about 45 minutes, and she helped me realise that when I drink (or starve) I am (in my own head) taking away my responsibilities – it makes me feel like I don’t have to be in charge – how can I be, Im drunk / sick / hungover / starved etc…and this state of me needing to be looked after is something that has been a common theme in my life. Anorexia, self harm, half-arsed suicide attempts – all just a cry for “please help me, look after me, let me rest…”. It’s exhausting.

I realised I have to take ownership of this, no one else. If I want to feel like a strong independent woman then I need to stop stripping myself of power as I have been, stay in control of myself. Stay focused, stay healthy.

So last weekend and this weekend have been plain sailing again since the top up. I think if I don’t focus too much on ‘not drinking’ that also helps. Just to not think about ‘drink’ or ‘not drinking’ at all. Close the dialogue and the door in my head. There is no option.

Next Saturday is my 36th birthday – as we can have 6 in a garden there will be a little get together between 5 of us girls ‘yummy mummies’ at my friends garden. This is some of the friends I usually drink a lot with. I feel strong, I know I don’t want to drink alcohol. They will be supportive. I have developed such an intolerance to alcohol that it is not worth me even having one, this is my truth going forward. It’s true though, one leads to more and then Im ill, mostly mentally as well as the morning after. I don’t feel like I ever need to drink again, and that’s great, because this time last year I wanted to give up for 6 months, or 100 days….and now I did that, and now I just know… not saying it will be easy from now, but I have shifted into another gear which Im mega happy about 🙂

Mad March

I haven’t drank since the last time…well that is always the case I suppose – even if I just drank 5 minutes ago, that statement would still be true – what I mean is I’ve not drank since the hellish hangover almost 2 weeks ago. A nice sober weekend last weekend, I did think about having a drink. I did, but I quickly dismissed it.

I read a blog post and it really resonated with me – ‘Whats your addiction recipe?’

Hitting home

So I am going to consider my recipe….

I also start with the poor genetics on my maternal side – I think there is alot of mental health unaddressed issue there – clinical depression of my great Aunt, My grandma must have OCD, same as my mum, although neither has been diagnosed…thank god my dads side of the family were ‘stabe’

There lots of trauma I suppose – the parental break up and horrible fall out that was played out in front of us, my mum often in hospital for long periods of time with a physical illness, the sexual abuse from my stepdad over 10 years and then dealing with that and the court case etc…

The culture side of things is massive here – drinking is ‘normal’ those that don’t drink or try to stop are NOT normal and have PROBLEMs.

I don’t know my personality is just highly addictive to negative responses to things…I do get excited and do positive things like, running but I never quite take them to the extremes that I go to with alcohol/ food/ drugs….being good just isn’t as exciting, is it?

Maybe I am rotten from the inside – and only feel whole when I am lying or committing some kind of attack on myself…I’ve been feeling very unsettled these last few days since coming back to work part time – maybe just ab shock to the system but I just feel worthless , unneeded here, like my job is meaningless.. .I’m rubbish at it, my boss has to hire other people to do the things I should be doing (I work for family). I feel like I cant grow at this job anymore – I suck at it – I’m jack of all trades and master of none….and here I am blogging instead of working….ffs is it any wonder I feel crap about my work ethic at the moment, I can’t seem to find it or my motivation. This is making me feel like I need to get drunk, fuck it, I already feel crap anyway so why not be able to forget about it for one night? Or I could starve…I was happier when I was hungry, it just takes a while to ‘get into the zone’ before the ‘buzz’ kicks in…and my children are getting to that age now where they watch everything and It just seems too risky. I’m definitely triggered – My friend who I’ve mentioned in previous posts who’s family is struggling – her daughter is not eating and is very thin…I think I’m jealous, of a 13 year old. Also, concerned, want to help but can’t interfere anymore – the last time I did interfere it wasn’t a good outcome.

Ok I need to try and re-focus for the day and do something that makes me feel good/ like I have achieved something in this office today…wish me luck!