Day 71

Took the kids away for a night on Monday. Still have no car, and it’s been the bank holidays, I could have easily pissed my way through the weekend. I didn’t and I’m so pleased. I realise that it’s always possible to drink sneakily…you can always drink shots sat on the toilet for example, but why would you want to? And who are you fooling? Only yourself. I had opportunities to drink and passed because I’m sticking to my goal.but also it just seemed pointless.

I thought about how if I wasn’t sober I would have spent the whole two days thinking about getting my next drink and not been fully present with the kids, I’m proud of myself for not drinking. Next month I will hit day 100 💯

So many reasons to drink today V so many reasons NOT to drink today

It’s Sunday – so what – tomorrow is Monday and you shouldn’t start the week off feeling shit, you shouldn’t start any day off feeling shit

My car is fucked and in the garage for a week (so no driving for me) – not an excuse to be totally irresponsible for a week – you are still in charge of your family even if you don’t have to drive – accidents happen and you need to be aware of whats going on

Its the school holidays/ Im off work – so lets not sit around drinking and then hungover wasting time that could be spent productively, or even just having real relaxation

Other half is annoying as fuck – you will fight if you drink because you always do

4 year old in troublesome mood today – drinking wont make her behaviour any better just make you less irritated by it, or possibly even more irritated and then you can’t make responsible decisions that are best for her, need to stay calm and set boundaries

Because I feel like it – feel like something different then?

Because I want to – why do you want to, what will it solve?

Because I can – no you really shouldn’t after a few ‘normal’ days of drinking you would be back ‘on it’

Because I haven’t for 61 days… – all the more reason to keep going and keep your promise

Because I like the taste – thats a lie

Day 49

Still loving this new path I am on. This new lifestyle change and choice I have made to stop harming myself with alcohol. I have found my thoughts starting to wander towards other ways to be destructive however which isn’t comfortable. I know I’m just looking for a new addiction. Ones that my brain considers for example could be taking up vaping…now that’s not the end of the world but also spending money I don’t need and not setting a great example for my kids.

Or becoming obsessed with food or fitness again- I’ve found myself asking around for ephedrine pills which I know I would abuse and rely on and could kill me…so no. It’s the fat thoughts I think booze took away for me. But what do the fat thoughts cover up for me????

I Honestly don’t know the answer but I’m working on it. Last week I wanted to drink for the first time in ages after having a deep conversation with my sister-I text her about wanting to, and I didn’t and I felt great the next day. A temporary release for a lifetime of pain

Bad dreams

I’m on day 29 – best I’ve been for a long time, I can’t remember when. The sponsorship thing is going great. I’ve raised a lot of money for child line. I’m using my evenings to create a children’s book to educate younger children about childhood sexual abuse – so they are empowered to tell someone, so they can start to heal way before I ever got the chance to. Maybe I can help one person – perhaps even just myself. I’ve found a children’s illustrator, and it’s really good to be working on this, feels productive.

I had a drinking dream last night – it’s strange as I used to usually get then in the first week or so when I stopped drinking, this is the first one I’ve had after 4 weeks so i think it was like a gentle reminder of why I am doing this – I was filled with shame, guilt and anxiety in the dream. My tooth was wobbling, I stayed up drinking and talking till 6.30 am then had to drive to work at 7 am…still drunk…something I used to worry about (though I’ve never done a 6.30 am for about 15 years….it was a gentle reminder like I said and waking up full of dread and then realizing it was a dream was good, I need to stay on this path.