July 22nd is a special day

So my “no vodka” in June didn’t stick…I think there was one night in June when I drank, and then July I’ve drank three times I think, once a week. No major fall out from any of the sessions, just….ugh!!

Ugh is the only way I can describe the last two times I have drank. The first time was fine it was prosecco with a friend and I stopped when I wanted to and that was that. Except I did go and buy a big bottle of vodka and had a few vodkas too which isn’t ok as that’s what makes my stomach so bad. The next day I took the vodka to a good friend. And told her to have it. I probably had about 9 units of Prosecco and 4-5 of vodka which I didn’t need. But it was well over a full afternoon and evening and I felt not too bad about it all.

So that gave my brain that false sense of security….so last week I asked my friend for a few measures of the vodka so I could have it tat night, I took what I knew I could manage, about 9 units, and enjoyed that. But then as I walked home past the pub I just stopped and went in 🤷‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ it was 10.30 and I was there an hour, long enough for a double and then I asked for a single but think he may have given me double… such a waste, random chats..very sad. There was only about 6 people in the bar- One guy said “it’s quite a brave thing to do, walk into a bar on your own, what’s brought you here?” To which I felt rather ashamed, as it didn’t seem hard to me as the drive to keep drinking just takes over. That’s addiction.

My stomach was very bad the next morning.

Then there was last night. We had a special event on at work. A day in the theatre. After the first show we went to a lovely pub for food. It wasn’t me on stage I was involved more with the production side and my job was pretty much done but really I shouldn’t have started drinking. If anything had gone wrong and I was needed I wouldn’t have been able to step in. I decided to have a large glass of wine with the food.

We left the pub and went back to the theatre, where I asked if the bar was open, she said she wasn’t but could get me a drink .,.I had my usual double vodka and downed it in a corner where no one was and then went back ten mins later for another which I drank in the toilets. I knew I shouldn’t have been drinking which is why I was being secretive. I then went to get drinks for some colleges which was part of my role, but I asked for one for myself and she gave the wrong drink so I ended up with two more, one lemonade one coke.

Watched the show then made it my priority to get one last drink. FFS! What is that about?

My stomach is horrendous this morning and to make things worse I had garlic which also upsets my stomach….it’s got to be all or nothing. Nothing, I want NOTHING. NO MORE VODKA IN MY LIFE PLEASE EVER AGAIN.

This is not rock bottom, I’ve been there, but I don’t want to go back in order to remind myself that this drinking life isn’t for me. AS OF TODAY I START again for the last time.

Downloaded a new sober app. Have a day out on Saturday and I’m driving, can’t bloody wait!!!!xxxx

Here we go again…..

So regarding my short break a few weeks ago, night 2 was successful again, we had a gathering outside all the caravans and I mostly engaged with my toddler – because I’m mum and that’s my job and we had a lovely time, I enjoyed it. The third night though I just decided I would drink. Just like that! Just like a switch you flick on and off, but when the switch hasn’t been on for a while it’s usually OK to start, so this wasn’t a huge disaster. I had two drinks at the restaurant with my family (4 units)between 5 pm-6 and then was patient and we had to wait outside in the rain to get into the presentation for my daughters football (they won every match they are amazing!). I tried several times to order drinks (a drink) from my phone using the app, as the covid rules are now you can’t go to the bar…but there was an error which is probably good. It didn’t bother me so much. We watched the presentation then about 8 I took the little one out of the room as it was dragging on and very loud, so I was waiting in the bar for the rest to come out and see what we were all to do next. I did manage to get a table which meant I could order, and I ordered two drinks since I thought I’d have one now and one with everyone else and the service is so slow etc. I drank one (6 units) and carried the other out as the family had left (there was a one way system in place so it is hard to explain but it wasn’t as easy as me going up to them, they had to come out one side of the building and que at the other and I was already in the middle…it was ridiculously organised but anyway..

Middle daughter was crying, and ready to kick off – the weekend was seeing eldest daughter being praised and celebrated, Middle had had a friend staying with us for two nights who had now left and she was just tired and the rain and etc it was all about to blow. So I took her back to the caravan, I carried my stupid drink with me.

She kicked off big time when we got back and by the time everything was settled it was near 10pm and I threw the drink away, which I was pleased about – I kept looking at it, firstly though should I down it before I left the building, then thought about downing it before leaving the outdoor area, then when she was kicking off there were several times I thought about it, but in the end I didn’t want it for the taste of whatever and thought 6 units is manageable for my body, 8 units would tip me over to the bad stomach in the morning and for what? It may have made me want to go back out again which would have been a big mistake.

I did try to imagine how I would have handled things differently with M if I hadn’t have had alcohol, but I wasn’t actually drunk – 4 units at tea time with a meal and then another 2 wasn’t the end of the world and I think I remained calm and in control.

So I didn’t feel too bad, or guilty about the whole weekend.

But….guess what one ok session lead to…another, and then a not so ok ‘nother… Well I was singing on Saturday at a live event and was handed proseco, so had one glass, and that was that. Fine. No problem. Then on bank holiday Monday I decided again I was going to drink at/ after my gig. This was a mistake. The gig seemed to go downhill, the afternoon had so many problems – my mum came and was causing issues, the kids were moody, Mr A was shaking his head when I was singing etc and I just…drank. I had about 5 units at the venue then went home. Walked the dog, sat and had another 2 outside the club at the park, went to the corner shop bought 7 units, went out again and bought a drink (which was single I now see from a receipt) to have outside as I walked with a friend (a friend that I talk to about this and she was helpful). It’s not the end of the world, I didn’t do anything stupid (apart from drink in the first place). But this just confirms that yes I still need to keep the fuck away from vodka. Just no. No to vodka, for the rest of my life. So from 3 am yesterday morning I was up, first making myself vomit to try and prevent feeling as bad, but then being involuntary sick, I realised Id not really had a meal since the morning before and my stomach is just saying no to this type of treatment and behavior. I know all the things I did wrong, and I know there are no excuses, I am fully responsible for these actions, but 1st June 2021, new month, new me…I have made the promise to myself and my daughters that I will never again drink vodka, I can drink alcohol if I want it, but not vodka. Even the word is not appealing, vod-ka it sounds like the devils drink.

1 night down, 2 to go

So last night was the first night of the “mini holiday” and I resisted the urge to drink. It wasn’t too strong, but I did consider it a few times when others were drinking and talking about it/posting pictures in WhatsApp group etc…. there were also several times I was so grateful to myself that I hadn’t drank- when my partner annoys me (which is another story altogether)..when sleeping was difficult because of the noisy drunks outside the caravan embarrassing themselves….

Oh May oh My!

Well this May has been so much better than last years, I drank everyday last May, I think a lot of it does come down to not having to get up for work last year and the responsibilities etc. I didn’t drive for so long, that used to mean I could drink.

There have been about two days when I’ve walked past a pub beer garden and imagined going in, but quickly distracted myself or dismissed the thought, so that’s good.

There is a 3night family holiday next Friday which I keep wondering if o should drink at or not. I don’t want to I’m pretty sure but it’s going to test me.

It’s my eldest daughters football tournament and we are staying a caravan with the rest of the team in about 10 other vans next door…it’s a theme park so the last thing I want is a hangover wandering around trying to entertain the kids each day or on the long drive home. I won’t be taking any booze, and we are taking my middle daughters friend whose mum said “I’ll send some nice adult treats for you”. I thought about it for a while, and text her to say we didn’t drink so there was no need, I felt proud of this as it would have been easier just to accept wine or whatever and have the temptation there all weekend.

The rest of the group however do have lots of talk about what they will be drinking/ taking and I know there will be lots of drink available and offered, but I need to say no. I don’t need it, I need sleep more!!!! I’m sure there will be others there that don’t drink a lot, and I’m sure there will be some that drink too much and suffer from it! Not me!!!

I’m in charge of 4 kids, one isn’t mine so I need to stay responsible, it would be so easy to take a drink, but then I will want another, it will become embarrassing as I won’t have my own so then I’ll either have to beg, borrow or steal or pop to the shop and buy and then it begins and continues the horrid cycle of dread.

Please send positive vibes xx

Still here

I’m still here and I’m still sober and I’m still happy!! Apologies for the silence I’ve just been run off my feet and not needed to vent at all (which is great!) and have been busy living life…will aim to do a “proper post” soon though… loving life and being sober x