Train again

6th train journey to london in as many week. With my 5 year old this time as she has a recall audition. I’m nervous as I do not want to drink on the train ride home(again) . I am responsible for her and she needs me to be reliable band 💯 present, what if there is some kind of emergency or she is sick? This isn’t even about me, today is for her.

Why do I keep thinking about alcohol today then? For fucks sake. This will pass. Soon it won’t be bothering me on trips like this. I’m dry now , I’m a non-drinker so my Brian just need to be reminded that we don’t do that anymore! We don’t put poison in our bodies. We don’t dig ourselves and wary grave. We don’t put our needs before our kids. And you don’t NEED to drink , thanks brain but that old habit I once used to protect myself and was helpful maybe at the time is no longer helpful to me as I’ve learnt to deal (sometimes just sit) with these emotions and it’s far better. I don’t have to cope with a shit load of other additional problems that come with drinking.

I’m planning on a 4 mile run tonight about 8.30pm, can’t do that drunk! My marathon is 2weeks on Sunday…building up my muscles 💪🏻 come on!!!!!

Playing it fucking forward..

So I know that all the times that have come before are part of my “sober journey” and I have learnt from each but it’s getting really old now and I’m bored. I know I need to simply step OFF the cycle, and I have done in the past and will do again. I’m not at rock bottom but I have been, and I’m not looking for anything here like pity or an arse kicking…I’m simply using this space to vent.

This happened ….. I was at an audition in london which I left feeling pretty confident about, decided to have one drink just as I walked back to kings cross for my train, I didn’t need to drive later so why not relax and just have one (double) to relax me.

I stopped at a random pub walking back and had one, but got chatting to this really lovely couple (who were probably enjoying their own company) so thought I’d stay for one more. My open ticket had seven return options and it was only 3pm so what’s the hurry?

Got to kings cross at 4 for 4.30 train, just enough time to look around for a nice miniature wine for the train as theirs wasn’t so good last time I was on a train a few weeks ago…it’s 2for £8 so after the first round I got another to take one home to have that night.

Anyway back to today!no little wines and I didn’t want a big bottle obviously I could never drink that much!! Got two cans of single vodkas and coke instead. Drank before train left the station. Could face the wine now. Got my first two. Got my second two. Started chatting to a random guy who was getting off in the town before me, impulsively asked if he wanted to go for a drink and I would get off there and get a later train home!!! This was about 7pm…fucking idiot. Thank god he said he couldn’t.

Got to my station (after the cafe crew I was standing talking to whilst getting my final 2 minis wines) said “isn’t this your stop!” Fuck me I would have been on route to Edinburgh god knows how I would have gotten home and when.

Once home I sat on a bench drinking the wine talking to a friend on the phone (which incidentally was a great conversation from what I remember). Then I walked through the street to my house but got pulled into the friendly Italian place I sing at often and ordered my usual…have no payment receipt for this so I probably did that arrogant “oh I don’t pay” shit that I’ve done before…. Have text apologies this morning.

Staggered into the house at 10.30 ish to the disgust of my partner who was expend at 8.15. What a twat I am. Hadn’t been in touch at all. Apparently couldn’t stand. Had an argument I can’t remember . Slept in my daughters bed with her in clothes and make up. Had to get up and drive at 7am. Woke up at 5am. Phone call record from 11.05…just.awful!

So this is what happens when I PLAY FORWARD “JUST HAVING ONE”…. Because this actually didn’t happen today, it happened last week, and todays trip to london (for the recall) I am PLAYING IT FORWARD and there is No such thing as just one for me”. I’ve got a train in half an hour and have spoilt myself with good food this afternoon instead of poison. I ran 23 miles yesterday so the worst thing for my body would be alcohol again. I have committed to my hypnotherapist for the next month of online 1-2-1 support and hypnosis to get a final grip on this.

No more will my memories be marked with this. My kids will not remember all the times mammy was drunk. Not on holidays, not on trains, not on planes….not any fucking more!!!

Riding out feb with good vibes

So tomorrow will be two weeks since my last episode…I keep reminding myself that even a quiet nights ends with these episodes…not just big events or birthdays etc, ANY NIGHT or afternoon for that matter can turn into one of those awful memories.

Last night I had to pop to the corner shop twice after school hours which is usually when I would buy alcohol and drink it very quickly or in secret up in my room… last night I resisted and I am so pleased I did. I had the “what about one tonight” thought again today and have so far rode that one out too. I’m super busy with work atm so adding in a guilty hangover to this mix would only make me feel out of control and overwhelmed with things to do. I feel strong and capable right now x

1 week sober success (first for a while)

This time last week I was very drunk. I blacked out, can’t remember the fight me and A had, can’t remember behaving the horrible way he said I did. Can’t remember telling him I fucking hate him and wish I’d never met him. But, tonight I actually feel the same way, well I wouldn’t say I wish i’d not met him because I would never want to not have my kids, but I do hate him. Really. Im so tired of him telling me I am the problem.

There have been a few instances today that have really tested me, him being two of them….and I just need to be strong enough to fucking leave! I wish I could throw him out but he just wont go, it’s more his property than mine. He talks me into staying every single fucking time. What is wrong with me. What do I want here…I don’t fucking know!

But I’m sober tonight and that is the most important thing to me at the moment actually, so I’m feeling pretty proud and strong. Nice fast run in the morning. Can’t wait.