Back at day 1

Aghhhhhhhhhhhh

I hate day 1. Well it’s not quite day one as I’m writing this at 2am and still have alcohol in my system. So I have to admit I have a problem with alcohol at the moment, or maybe for the rest of my life. I can’t sleep obviously because I feel so shit about my behaviour yesterday evening and it’s wizzing round in my head like a racing car 🏎

It was day 2 again after I drank on Friday night at the pub, I casually decided it was fine and I didn’t need to abstain and shared bottles of prosecco with my friend to celebrate my daughters 2Nd birthday. It was fine and on Saturday I felt fine and I was very smug and happy with myself- I have been over reacting, I don’t have an issue with alcohol everything is absolutely fine.

Sunday- usual afternoon after long weekend at work and I had to call upto my friends (drinking buddy)to pick up some things in the car. I usually get drunk when I go but had text her saying I’d have a cup of tea (she knows I’ve been struggling and doesn’t make an issue if it). Got there with the kids and she put the kettle on, I started hinting that I fancied a drink and could get Mr A to walk up and drive us all home…she’s giving up wine so was on spirits so I said I would join her…rude not to?!?!

The thing is I’m just so fucking greedy. Topping my drink up whenever I could, knowing there’s no alcohol at home so trying to get in as much as possible, forgetting that I’ve not really eaten since breakfast and I’m in charge of these three girls.

Mr A arrives a few hours later (2.5 to be exact) and I’ve had about half a litre of vodka. he was pissed off about walking up in the damp which to be fair her had a right to be, but he continued to wind me up about stupid stuff like how I’d parked the car and shit that he knows is not important… que big argument in the car with me yelling, kids upset… this continues into the house, yelling gets louder, can’t remember the arguments but kids were crying, I’m crying all because I’m fucking pissed and I chose to do it why????? Now I’ve been wide awake feeling sick for hours and want to sob myself to sleep. So sick of this. I ended up doing something else I regret- self harm, this is something I used to do regularly in ‘The Past’ but haven’t for years…I was upset with myself and him and angry, and just needed a release. Now my arm looks a mess and I don’t know how I can hide it from everyone. I’m ashamed, angry, guilty, tired and sick 🤢

Next time I want to drink please direct me to this post! I hate alcohol. Alcohol ruins lives. I fucking hate alcohol. Alcohol is ruining my life right now. It is steeling time from my children, it is causing fights with my partner. It is making me ill, physically and mentally. I never , ever want to drink alcohol again, ever. ever. Holidays, birthdays, day trip, sunny afternoons ….these are not enhanced by alcohol for me, only troubled, it has to stop now.

This sounds stupid as I’m not religious,!but I’m going to pray for myself, ask for some kind of higher help, anyone else out these please do the same for me today xx

Day 8 and there may be trouble ahead…

Tomorrow evening I’m meeting my “wine buddy” with the kids for tea at the very respectable time of 4.30pm….she has decided to give up wine and prosecco from February and is planning on “going out with a bang” which I would be too if it were me. Why do we do that to ourselves? We know we are having too much of something so instead of stopping we binge on it till we can’t face it any longer…I hope she gets a good run at it because I worry about her a lot, but maybe that is self projection and it’s myself I should be worried about???

The first thing that came into my head when she said that was “oh yeah February would be a much better time to start being dry”… wtf? Why would I waste the last 8/9 days and binge drink tomorrow and feel shit all day Saturday when I’m at work and then again in the evening (I usually have to have a very early night after the night before as I don’t sleep when I wake up with the wine witch in my head at 2am 🧙‍♀️). I eat loads of crap the day after I’ve drank, which again is something that makes me feel shit about myself physically and mentally. Speaking of shit I actually have a lot of stomach issues brought on by alcohol so there’s another thing.

Ok but the thought of ordering and then sipping those drinks at the lovely pub with everyone else seems very comforting…I need to make some lists to get through this

Reasons not to drink

Can be proud of myself on Saturday

Setting example for the kids

No hangover/munchies/ibs

L will be there and doesn’t approve of getting drunk in front of kids

I can’t control myself and have just one or two, this has been proven many times

I have to teach on Saturday and I am a much better teacher when not hungover

Nicer evening on Saturday with my kids

Alcohol is poison and causes cancer

Can do human research and watch others getting drunk and feel smug ☺️

Reasons to drink tomorrow

My friend will want me to (only 1, the other adults won’t be bothered or drinking probably )

Relaxing

Will be more fun****not sure about this one because it’s all about perspective isn’t it?

Ok I can do this 🤞😭😭🙏🙏🙏🙏

Day 6 – still week 1?!?!

This feels like a long week! I’ve not missed alcohol as much as I thought I would, but I wasn’t one for drinking every night, I just can’t seem to stop drinking when I do start, and it becomes a game to get as much drink into me as fast as possible without others noticing. I’ve spent my life with secrets – it feels normal to me to be sneaky and not completely honest…which I admit is wrong, but it’s been this way ever since I can remember. I grew up in a loving house with my wonderful mum and three siblings, but unfortunately the love I got from my step-dad was not the normal love a child should receive. Having spent many years dealing with the childhood sexual abuse I am now in a much better place, but it is obvious that it affects the way I deal with things now and is most likely the reason why I have a bad relationship with alcohol. So I grew up holding onto secrets, but it doesn’t mean I have to continue to do so. I need to remember my kids are learning from me, and this is one trait I need to get rid of right away!!

Day 3

It’s Saturday and I’ve been invited to a friends for drinks tomorrow afternoon which is something we try to do regularly. I’m aiming to go and have a cup of tea…wish me luck.

It’s been ok up to now, busy working all day yesterday and today but tomorrow it’s half day and I know it’s going to be difficult.

Just finished reading the Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley which has inspired this blog , hopefully I can be a sober success like her 🤞

Mamma Mia Here we go (again)

First ever blog post…..

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

My first Blog Post

Hi,

I am, as my blog name suggests trying to ‘go sober’ and join the many thousands of people out there already ‘dry’ and abstaining from alcohol. I am a 34 (nearly 35) year old singer from North-East England and I live with my partner, 3 little girls, and our dog. I’m hoping using this blog for accountability and support will help me achieve my goal.

Last Night

So – missions to go sober always start with a hangover don’t they? Well this one is no different – except my hangover this morning isn’t really that bad (thank god)but events last night fill me with negative emotion – guilt, shame, regret. I have had far too many of these nights, lying awake from 3am thinking about how I behaved when I was drinking the night before – and like I say this isn’t even ‘the mother’ of all hangovers. This was, relatively speaking, an “OK” evening. I had been invited to a friends house for tea and to share a bottle of wine (or two or three) which was cancelled earlier in the day, leading me to feel disappointed, but thinking oh well I have so much to get on with it’s fine. I got home as planned at 3pm and had a stupid phone call from a supposed friends husband telling me off for a text message I had sent her the night before (sober) which she had entirely taken the wrong way. This majorly pissed me off, so I opened the Prosecco I had planned on taking to my friends house – Mistake number 1. I had to walk the dog once my partner and eldest daughter got back from football training, and walked him via the pub…it’s always embarrassing walking in on your own and getting a double vodka, drinking it as fast as you can and then walking out again, it just screams alcoholic. That was therefore – Mistake number 2.

In an effort to spend more time with eldest daughter I said I would go and watch her next training session which is at the leisure centre in the next street to our house, I went down to watch, and spoke to the other mum’s there – the thing with being drunk is you like the sound of your own voice too much, everything is self-centered, now when I think about the conversations during the football training I think I continuously interrupted and made everything about me and my daughter, how embarrassing! My daughter was upset about something that happened in training, which I had no idea about because I wasn’t there to focus on her like I should have been, I was just out of the house being drunk….I said I would take her for some secret chocolate cake to Weatherspoons as we passed to cheer her up – we had literally 10 minutes until my partner – (who from now I will refer to as ‘A’ ) had to leave, so this was a stupid idea. I obviously necked a double vodka while she ate warm chocolate cake with ice cream just as quick and then ran home. That was Mistake number 3.

A headed out the door while we walked in looking suspicious and I put our nearly 2 year old to bed. The rest is a blur. I finished the bottle of prosecco, so had a total of 12 units in about 4 hours, which for me isn’t that bad or unusual but I hadn’t eaten, and I’m small in structure, so I was what you would called, pissed. I feel so guilty about being in charge of my children in this state. When I said it was time for my 9 year old to go to bed she gave me some lip which resulted in a massive argument, obviously because when you are drunk you cant make rational decisions and negotiate with a 9 year old. I cant even remember what was said but me and my 9 year old were both sobbing our hearts out (she is like me and feels things too much) because we had both said things we regretted and then both felt equally as bad as the other. This is what has to stop. It is so wrong for my children to experience this. I cant keep pouring toxins into my body and creating this toxic environment for those around me. So today it stops. This is day one. It is going to be hard. there are going to be days when I think I don’t need to abstain, when I am overreacting but I need this first post to remind me that life is too precious to waste intoxicated and hurting those around me. As a parent it is the most irresponsible thing to get in this state around children and things are only going to spiral out of control (I have issues we will get to in later posts I’m sure) unless I take control of my drinking now. Because I am a black or white thinking, it has to be all or nothing, so in the words of Cher “Baby it’s all or nothing now”….wish me luck….