Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken. — Oscar Wilde.
My first Blog Post
I am, as my blog name suggests trying to ‘go sober’ and join the many thousands of people out there already ‘dry’ and abstaining from alcohol. I am a 34 (nearly 35) year old singer from North-East England and I live with my partner, 3 little girls, and our dog. I’m hoping using this blog for accountability and support will help me achieve my goal.
So – missions to go sober always start with a hangover don’t they? Well this one is no different – except my hangover this morning isn’t really that bad (thank god)but events last night fill me with negative emotion – guilt, shame, regret. I have had far too many of these nights, lying awake from 3am thinking about how I behaved when I was drinking the night before – and like I say this isn’t even ‘the mother’ of all hangovers. This was, relatively speaking, an “OK” evening. I had been invited to a friends house for tea and to share a bottle of wine (or two or three) which was cancelled earlier in the day, leading me to feel disappointed, but thinking oh well I have so much to get on with it’s fine. I got home as planned at 3pm and had a stupid phone call from a supposed friends husband telling me off for a text message I had sent her the night before (sober) which she had entirely taken the wrong way. This majorly pissed me off, so I opened the Prosecco I had planned on taking to my friends house – Mistake number 1. I had to walk the dog once my partner and eldest daughter got back from football training, and walked him via the pub…it’s always embarrassing walking in on your own and getting a double vodka, drinking it as fast as you can and then walking out again, it just screams alcoholic. That was therefore – Mistake number 2.
In an effort to spend more time with eldest daughter I said I would go and watch her next training session which is at the leisure centre in the next street to our house, I went down to watch, and spoke to the other mum’s there – the thing with being drunk is you like the sound of your own voice too much, everything is self-centered, now when I think about the conversations during the football training I think I continuously interrupted and made everything about me and my daughter, how embarrassing! My daughter was upset about something that happened in training, which I had no idea about because I wasn’t there to focus on her like I should have been, I was just out of the house being drunk….I said I would take her for some secret chocolate cake to Weatherspoons as we passed to cheer her up – we had literally 10 minutes until my partner – (who from now I will refer to as ‘A’ ) had to leave, so this was a stupid idea. I obviously necked a double vodka while she ate warm chocolate cake with ice cream just as quick and then ran home. That was Mistake number 3.
A headed out the door while we walked in looking suspicious and I put our nearly 2 year old to bed. The rest is a blur. I finished the bottle of prosecco, so had a total of 12 units in about 4 hours, which for me isn’t that bad or unusual but I hadn’t eaten, and I’m small in structure, so I was what you would called, pissed. I feel so guilty about being in charge of my children in this state. When I said it was time for my 9 year old to go to bed she gave me some lip which resulted in a massive argument, obviously because when you are drunk you cant make rational decisions and negotiate with a 9 year old. I cant even remember what was said but me and my 9 year old were both sobbing our hearts out (she is like me and feels things too much) because we had both said things we regretted and then both felt equally as bad as the other. This is what has to stop. It is so wrong for my children to experience this. I cant keep pouring toxins into my body and creating this toxic environment for those around me. So today it stops. This is day one. It is going to be hard. there are going to be days when I think I don’t need to abstain, when I am overreacting but I need this first post to remind me that life is too precious to waste intoxicated and hurting those around me. As a parent it is the most irresponsible thing to get in this state around children and things are only going to spiral out of control (I have issues we will get to in later posts I’m sure) unless I take control of my drinking now. Because I am a black or white thinking, it has to be all or nothing, so in the words of Cher “Baby it’s all or nothing now”….wish me luck….