I’m on day 29 – best I’ve been for a long time, I can’t remember when. The sponsorship thing is going great. I’ve raised a lot of money for child line. I’m using my evenings to create a children’s book to educate younger children about childhood sexual abuse – so they are empowered to tell someone, so they can start to heal way before I ever got the chance to. Maybe I can help one person – perhaps even just myself. I’ve found a children’s illustrator, and it’s really good to be working on this, feels productive.
I had a drinking dream last night – it’s strange as I used to usually get then in the first week or so when I stopped drinking, this is the first one I’ve had after 4 weeks so i think it was like a gentle reminder of why I am doing this – I was filled with shame, guilt and anxiety in the dream. My tooth was wobbling, I stayed up drinking and talking till 6.30 am then had to drive to work at 7 am…still drunk…something I used to worry about (though I’ve never done a 6.30 am for about 15 years….it was a gentle reminder like I said and waking up full of dread and then realizing it was a dream was good, I need to stay on this path.
Trying not to get too cocky and ahead of myself but tomorrow I will be 18 days dry and that is the longest streak I have done for a long time according to my ‘try dry’ app – which is fab by the way if anyone starting out is looking for a good app. My skin has been horrid for months, at any time at least 6 big sore spots full of yuk (TMI sorry!) and this week – hurrah – there are no spots! just the red scars to remind me – because of course I pick at my skin like an addict only would and I’m unable to let something just heal….I’ve learnt the hard way – my skin will manage to even out I’m sure, Im just able to look in the mirror now without feeling anxiety about it!
I feel like setting myself the ‘big challenge’ has made it easier to not allow myself to drink – I know that sounds daft, but I mean usually by now I’d be thinking of excuses as to why I could have a ‘night off’ or ‘just one’ which inevitably we know where that always leads….now that thought comes and I just think – “people have paid you to do this, you can’t let them down”. And I wont!
Since openly announcing to everyone that I would be alcohol free for the next year, I have felt a huge sense of relief. I feel like I don’t need to explain myself if people ask why I’m not drinking – I’m doing a challenge – I mean I can go into more depth if I want to but sometimes a bounce back reply is all you need. The sponsorship from people for my chosen charity is more than enough to keep the fire inside me going. I know it’s not permanent and I need to change my whole thoughts about alcohol, but I feel safe for the next year and I’m really confident that the habit will be so unlearnt by then that I know how to stay on the sober path.