Push through

I’ve been resisting the urge to drain for the past 2 hours. I have a rare few days off in a row and seems like the perfect reason to have wine with lunch. I’m walking to my daughters school now for a classroom presentation at 2pm. My brain was telling me it would be fun to have a drink and make sure no one found out. Honestly it’s fucked up.

It’s like I need the thrill of the secret to make my day exciting. Well my day is going to be exciting because I get to see my little one with her friends and not make a fool of my self. I know today I would have had one glass of wine but then the next time it could be 2, then soon the teachers are worrying about me picking up from school etc, it’s just not acceptable.

Cooking enchiladas tonight for tea and relaxing …. When I get in from school I’ll be putting on my slippers and not going past the door again. It’s too easy anyway, so I end up pushing and pushing and pushing until I do get found out or feel like shit or have the hangover from hell again which o know all too well.

I’m also reminding myself that every day I drink I lose the next day and also shorten my life span in general.

Wonder if any others here this afternoon have had wine today? hopefully not x

Why is it so hard?

I need to come here more. I need to share and stop pretending. I would never come here and lie because what would be the point in that, I’m not here to impress anyone or make a statement this blog is for me. But I do avoid coming here when I’ve been drinking. Hence my stock silence for the last few months.

I did 6 months sober, it was great. I felt good about myself and things I was doing, and I wasn’t fighting with my other half as much.

Then I don’t even know what happened, it was summer and I started to drink again. Just like before. Binge drinking, alone, secretly.

I’ve contacted a place for talking therapy and that’s going to start soon.

I had “a bottle” of wine last night with a friend and that’s ok, but really I still feel guilty after that as it is too much despite what society tells us these days! I was heading out the door for more when I got home but A stopped me. He has finally started to notice my tricks. I’m grateful for that. He said I’m “like an alcoholic “. I didn’t correct him and say that I probably was.

Fallen

Things had been going so well until last weekend, climaxing in a vodka binge last night. I will blog fully when it hurts less to think (tomorrow) a whole 24 hours of recovery ahead of me today and a busy day it’s going to be too. Meh.

Day 71

Took the kids away for a night on Monday. Still have no car, and it’s been the bank holidays, I could have easily pissed my way through the weekend. I didn’t and I’m so pleased. I realise that it’s always possible to drink sneakily…you can always drink shots sat on the toilet for example, but why would you want to? And who are you fooling? Only yourself. I had opportunities to drink and passed because I’m sticking to my goal.but also it just seemed pointless.

I thought about how if I wasn’t sober I would have spent the whole two days thinking about getting my next drink and not been fully present with the kids, I’m proud of myself for not drinking. Next month I will hit day 100 💯

So many reasons to drink today V so many reasons NOT to drink today

It’s Sunday – so what – tomorrow is Monday and you shouldn’t start the week off feeling shit, you shouldn’t start any day off feeling shit

My car is fucked and in the garage for a week (so no driving for me) – not an excuse to be totally irresponsible for a week – you are still in charge of your family even if you don’t have to drive – accidents happen and you need to be aware of whats going on

Its the school holidays/ Im off work – so lets not sit around drinking and then hungover wasting time that could be spent productively, or even just having real relaxation

Other half is annoying as fuck – you will fight if you drink because you always do

4 year old in troublesome mood today – drinking wont make her behaviour any better just make you less irritated by it, or possibly even more irritated and then you can’t make responsible decisions that are best for her, need to stay calm and set boundaries

Because I feel like it – feel like something different then?

Because I want to – why do you want to, what will it solve?

Because I can – no you really shouldn’t after a few ‘normal’ days of drinking you would be back ‘on it’

Because I haven’t for 61 days… – all the more reason to keep going and keep your promise

Because I like the taste – thats a lie