The “ikk”

I have that feeling … it’s Friday I’m going for family and I just feel really sadBecause I’ve been confident about not drinking all week since that episode last Thursday. But after todaymy mum is being her usual narcissistic self and it’s Remembrance Sunday I went to visit my brothers grave and now I just had an argument with my husband well he’s not my husband but you know just about money he has a lot of money tied up on things which he’s saving for later life but I just have this feeling I’m not gonna live that long and it’s not fair.no think I’m being really selfish thinking like that aren’t I. I just feel sad.

A New Dawn

So the weeks have been full of the usual positivity and then ‘just a few drinks’ leading to a crash at least once a week since August I reckon…

The Thursday before last I bought a bottle of wine to have with tea and the family (for myself as he doesn’t drink though) and that seemed ok…until after bedtime I took the dog for a walk to the pub for about an hour and a half and had 3 further drinks whilst I sat and talked shite to people I don’t know. The thing is I do enjoy doing that, meeting people and bonding over drinks and music with them, I guess it reminds me of happier times with alcohol and my brother and his pals. So that wasn’t great and I feel terrible the day after and hate lying to my partner.

New goal was set and I got to day 6 and there were times in that day when I could have drank, opportunities to drink don’t happen for me everyday, but these are the RED days when I have to constantly avoid thinking about how I could ‘just have one’. Anyway, day 6 I didn’t cave! So day 7 which was also a red day felt easy, I didn’t have to worry, after all, yesterday I managed, I must be ok now…

Low and behold I did the shopping, didn’t buy alcohol. But this nagging thought to have a glass of that cheap pink wine in Weatherspoons was just sitting in the back of my mind. I had one hour till pick up time and was trying to watch a netflix series to take my mind off it. The dog started barking at the workmen next door and I just got up, took my laptop and headphones and walked on autopilot to the bar. Living in the town centre is hard – but no excuse.

I had three drinks in the space of that hour and then floated up to school to collect my beautiful little one (walking). I feel immensely guilty about this and this is the driving force behind this new motivation – so please don’t judge me. I was drunk because I was talking shit to people, we went via the park as one of her friends was going that way and I thought it would be safer to stick with them and cross the road with them etc. I mean I had had 6 units so it wasn’t horrendous but the fresh air and lack of lunch, I didn’t feel out of it at the time but now I think I probably was. I know some mums have boozy lunches now and then and collect their little ones like this but it’s not for me and I am very regretful.

We walked via the shop for some ‘sweets’ and I was relieved when the friend left the shop before us so I could ask for vodka from behind the counter. The smallest bottle was £9.99.

Must have gotten home just after 4pm and by the time my 13 year old was home at 5.15 she could tell I had been drinking, a few times she said ‘you’re drunk’ ….her dad didn’t realise until much later and I heard her say ‘she’s been like this all night dad’.

I was hiding the vodka of course and to this day I don’t know what happened to the other half of the bottle, I think I probably took it out and threw it in the street bin to stop myself from having too much. Either that or it will turn up sometime in a really random place like a boot or with the cleaning products. It pretty much the same poison as the cleaning stuff so that would figure.

I slid (fell) down the last few steps and hurt my foot which has been badly bruised until yesterday. I have this faint memory of having little one in my arms and telling her how sorry I was and that I would never hurt her….even though I was hurting her there and then, putting her in danger, I could have fallen from the top or anything, lucky it was just my foot that was bruised. I think it was more of a slide onto my bum, but the other 2 came when they heard the bang and they were laughing about it the next day when I apologised and asked them please not to tell their dad. He must have been walking the dog at the time. 13 year olds friend who comes each week was also there – we are close family friends so it wasn’t too embarrassing 13 said, but the fact it was tea time was just stupid.

So on Friday morning I made a call (btw I had called the local recovery centre the friday before and they have never called back which Im pretty mad about!)

I called Claire Owen – the soberholic – here is her website – https://www.thesoberholic.com/

Ive been following her for a few years but now I finally invested some money and Im working alongside her to change. I do not want to be ‘drunk mom’. I don’t want this to be the norm for my kids. I don’t want them to remember coming home to ‘drunk mom’ and having to look after themselves and me when I slide down steps and can’t remember anything they say or do that evening. I’ve had a few “I told you this last night” or “I showed you it online the other night”…no recollection. Very Sad.

I’ve also invested in an app called ‘Reframe’ which has daily tasks and educates throughout – one of the interesting posts I saw yesterday was about how the term ‘alcoholic’ can make some of us stuck

On Friday morning my other half asked me (in a patronising voice which I can’t stand) “have you got anything to say?”…I said I was sorry, I said ” I have a problem with alcohol and need some help” I sobbed and he held me.

I only have to read this post to not drink, but it is strange how easily the memory fades.

Can’t sleep

I can’t sleep for a different reason tonight. Which didn’t feel half as bad as not sleeping because I’m drunk…I have that knowledge that I won’t feel guilty on top of tired tomorrow.

I had “opportunities” to drink today several times and didn’t and I’m so happy I didn’t!!! Especially now lying in bed at 1am, living in the town centre has its perks but also the disadvantage of noisy drunks leaving the pubs and clubs on a weekend.

A young girl (too young to drink maybe 17) was outside screaming at we mother, who was yelling and screaming back at her, the things they were saying were horrible, I had to call the police, who came but too late as they had left …now I can’t stop thinking about the young girl and what she was saying and what the hell has been going on in her life for her to feel like she was. Mostly it is the alcohol but the mothers reaction was horrid too.

It just emphasised the fact that I hate alcohol. There’s no way they would have been behaving like they were without the alcohol, and then other groups that wander by merrily or not merrily…it’s just sad….what a different world we would live in without this drug.. xx

A little clarity

It’s not so much that I feel awful waking up after having a drink (even just one or two the guilt it there)…it’s just that waking up without that feeling is soooo good. I just automatically feel lighter, better about myself and everything, better about the events ahead throughout the rest of the day….It’s so simple yet still so difficult to remember this when Im craving a drink.

It’s not the drink that I am even craving though is it. It’s the zoning out. But whilst I’m zoning out from one thing I am also losing out on other things in my daily life here and now. So I’m numbing out the past or the things in my present that I don’t like, but it’s not going to change by zoning out. Change comes from dealing with shit and getting on with it, not hiding or running away.

I want to be present for my kids, I want to be present for myself, I deserve that, I don’t deserve to be wasted in a pub on my own somewhere. I dislike my partner a great deal. He is the cause of my angst, I believe. Though he believes that is me trying to sabotage the good thing in my life and I’m truly mad and this is just the way I am and without him I would drink more and be worse in every aspect of my life ….”you wouldn’t cope”. I keep coming round in this circle and continue to get back on the train at the start every time.

Trapped.