I wanted to drink tonight, I’m not sure why. I found myself thinking about what it would be like while I was walking the dog (past the off licence). I thought maybe I could just have one now I’ve got the binge drinking out of my system. I thought how nice it would be to be able to REALLY relax…I thought about a cool strong vodka with Pepsi and lots of ice…a taste I do actually still like even though I know it’s poison, I love the feel of the burn of strong alcohol going into my tummy…I think that comes from knowing that soon I would be drunk…like when you were young you always drank to get pissed as fast as possible and as cheaply, and I guess I got used to that and it’s just stuck.
I thought about how I’ve felt restless these last few days, and it’s lockdown again and the days seem endless again… I said to myself “maybe because of lockdown it’s ok to go backwards and start again when it’s all over”.
Then I walked faster feeling uncomfortable and annoyed at myself that I was having this conversation as I’ve so far managed to avoid having too many…I got home, there was a yummy pudding with for me which I inhaled and told myself that was just what I needed. I had a cup of tea. Didn’t think about it much more, was just pleased I didn’t waste my money and pay to have a hangover to and feel like crap after 4months and 4 days!
But now I still feel unfinished, unsettled, I’m not sure what else, just not relaxed and at ease. It’s probably as I’ve been eating a lot better this week as have gained at ella at 2lbs….so looking for the next distraction. If I start drinking again I can forget about my size and focus on that “problem” again!
Well I’m off to bed with my cup of tea as to listen to my hypnotherapy and I know I will wake up feeling positive again tomorrow x
For the past seven years I have picked a word of the year to help set my intention. I use the word as a bit of a mantra, to set an intention at yoga and to inspire me. It is actually more that the word picks me, and when I hear it, it just feels right. This year my word is This.
In 2014 I took a yoga teacher training that changed my life. My teacher, Nicki Doane, came from Hawaii to my small city in northern Alberta. I never expected or planned to practice yoga, but, in early sobriety, I joined a studio and felt safe there. I would lie on my mat and think, yes, of course, this. It was like returning home after a long journey. Yoga was waiting for me to remember.
Anyway, I saw the poster with nicki’s picture and it called to me. So…
I had the best new years eve I can remember …ever I guess! No hangover, no fighting, no embarrassing memories or texts, you know none of the things that are shit about alcohol. There was however – lots of fun, laughter and cheesy dancing with my (almost) 10 & 11 year olds.
I planned a game with 12 balloons on a clock and inside each balloon was a party game or instruction for the kids, things like ‘play your cards right’ or ‘twiser’ etc. It filled the night perfectly and we all had such a great time.
Like other bloggers through, since giving up alcohol which is by far the best thing I ever did, my eating disorder has continued to raise it’s ugly head and has been particularly loud this last few weeks. I’ve continued to loose weight passed the healthy mark (alcohol helped me maintain or even gain a healthy weight), and thats triggered some kind of psychosis…Im thinking about food all the time, how I can avoid it, then how I can try to eat more to battle this, then how I must exercise to compensate for a certain meal…it’s draining. I look thin, I can see, my partner is on my back every minute he gets – he sees me naked so I guess it’s not easy to ignore jutting bones. yuck. I can’t let anorexia take over, Im 36 in April, 3 young girls to be a role model for (one who is so like me she is already struggling with her body image). I don’t want to have to go to the gp – NHS is under enough strain at the moment, all they will do is put me on a long waiting list for some talking therapy and I’ve done that so much I honestly get more from talking to friends or even writing…like this. I know I can turn this around, and only I can – I realised just like alcohol I wanted someone else to force me to eat, so the responsibility could be taken from me. I feel like I shouldn’t eat unless my partner see’s me because if he doesn’t then he wont see Im ‘getting better’, but thats ridiculous – I shouldn’t be hungry at any point at the moment. With alcohol it got to the point where I wanted people to say ‘You can’t drink” “I won’t allow it” and police me – so if I did end up drunk I could sort of shift the blame onto them (in my head) – they weren’t watching me well enough, they didn’t think of all the possibilities. It’s like that with this- I want those adults closest to me to tell me exactly what to do, what to eat and when, it sort of becomes a game almost – but Im too old for that crap – too old for games, and in the end I have to take responsibilities for my own actions and that is what Im going to do!
There has been no drama this holiday season (so far I guess!)..no huge fights, no illness (I mean immense hangovers). It has been a wonderful week, alcohol free, stress free and drama free. Not dull – Ive had this warm glowing feeling inside every time I’ve looked around which feels better than any alcohol high. It isn’t filled with guilt, and regret.
There is another thing different about this year in that Ive not been able to do any gigs – so where I would usually be out 3-4 times a week Ive not been so that obviously has had a positive effect – except when I had my gigs I couldn’t drink (until the end if it was in walking distance), if I had been drinking I would have dreaded the days, days with no driving needed, nothing major to be responsible for (kids but in laws are on hand in our bubble and my partner can be off so I would have known they were cred for while I snuck off to get pissed alone)…and I’ve loved the days – I’ve not once thought about cracking open a bottle at any time of day but especially not before 12pm…I would have been struggling with this EVERY BLOODY DAY! But I haven’t and it feels A-MAZE-ING!
First and probably last new years eve where I’m not working and can spend it with my daughters so Im planning a little party for the 4 of us and letting them stay up (if they can) to see in the new year….got loads of party games planned, not at all worried about filling the time without alcohol for myself – drinking me would be drunk by 2pm and needing a nap….I’m so over those days…
LOVE AND PEACE TO YOU ALL, STAY SOBER, START AGAIN…fall down 8 times get up 9!
I aimed to post on day 90, but as I’m not consciously counting the days I checked my app today and it said 92! Woop, so next Wednesday will be my 100 day! I’m so proud of myself if I’m allowed to say that – I suppose its allowed to say you are disgusted in yourself, or disappointed in yourself, so why not when it’s a positive emotion? It just feel; wrong doesn’t it, like bragging? Oh Well!
I’m feeling very festive and so excited to see the kids at Christmas – I think not having the worry of any gigs at all (which is usually 3-4 a week atm) means I can relax – but mostly I can relax as I’m not anxious about when I’m going to be drinking/ when I have to not drink and when I will be hungover! It’s so refreshing! I’m still not feeling any pull towards alcohol walking down the supermarket isles etc, I looked a bottle of vodka on special offer and thought it sad how that used to make me excited, here’s some expensive poison – enjoy!