The happiest of Christmas’s

There has been no drama this holiday season (so far I guess!) huge fights, no illness (I mean immense hangovers). It has been a wonderful week, alcohol free, stress free and drama free. Not dull – Ive had this warm glowing feeling inside every time I’ve looked around which feels better than any alcohol high. It isn’t filled with guilt, and regret.

There is another thing different about this year in that Ive not been able to do any gigs – so where I would usually be out 3-4 times a week Ive not been so that obviously has had a positive effect – except when I had my gigs I couldn’t drink (until the end if it was in walking distance), if I had been drinking I would have dreaded the days, days with no driving needed, nothing major to be responsible for (kids but in laws are on hand in our bubble and my partner can be off so I would have known they were cred for while I snuck off to get pissed alone)…and I’ve loved the days – I’ve not once thought about cracking open a bottle at any time of day but especially not before 12pm…I would have been struggling with this EVERY BLOODY DAY! But I haven’t and it feels A-MAZE-ING!

First and probably last new years eve where I’m not working and can spend it with my daughters so Im planning a little party for the 4 of us and letting them stay up (if they can) to see in the new year….got loads of party games planned, not at all worried about filling the time without alcohol for myself – drinking me would be drunk by 2pm and needing a nap….I’m so over those days…

LOVE AND PEACE TO YOU ALL, STAY SOBER, START AGAIN…fall down 8 times get up 9!

Day 92

I aimed to post on day 90, but as I’m not consciously counting the days I checked my app today and it said 92! Woop, so next Wednesday will be my 100 day! I’m so proud of myself if I’m allowed to say that – I suppose its allowed to say you are disgusted in yourself, or disappointed in yourself, so why not when it’s a positive emotion? It just feel; wrong doesn’t it, like bragging? Oh Well!

I’m feeling very festive and so excited to see the kids at Christmas – I think not having the worry of any gigs at all (which is usually 3-4 a week atm) means I can relax – but mostly I can relax as I’m not anxious about when I’m going to be drinking/ when I have to not drink and when I will be hungover! It’s so refreshing! I’m still not feeling any pull towards alcohol walking down the supermarket isles etc, I looked a bottle of vodka on special offer and thought it sad how that used to make me excited, here’s some expensive poison – enjoy!

I just had to finish my bottle of ketchup

You never hear anyone saying this do you? So why do so many people (including my old self) feel the need to finish a bottle of alcohol? Why does it call you from the fridge “come drink me”… a sweet whisper…. “you need me, I taste like shit and will make you sick and I’m full of toxins and things your body doesn’t need in excess or indeed at all, but you must finish this bottle…” it just doesn’t have the same pull to it does it?

Day 80

Without alcohol things are much clearer – it’s obvious why you would argue with your partner so much more when you are pissed or hungover – you feel like shit and are irritable as hell. When you’re pissed you get bored easily and I guess arguing would be some kind of distraction for me – and an excuse to drink more “I was fine until I fell out with A” seems to spring to mind as a frequent line.

When I think of the panic I would feel leading up to having a drink or trying not to have a drink, I should have removed that long ago. I think this time something has changed, there has been a real switch in my brain, the re-wiring worked. Once I’d had that first sip the only thing I would think about is how I can get more and continue to get enough until I would sleep, for a few hours then the dread would come. I do not miss lying awake at night crying because I’m still drunk and know I’m going to spend the whole morning on the toilet and have a terrible day – my ‘bad’ hangover days were literally spent wishing the day away as fast as I could so I could crawl back into bed and catch up on the sleep I’d missed from the day before. I mean seriously – wasting and wishing away a whole day, think of the things I could have achieved in that time. I mean I’m not beating myself up about it cos I cant change the past and I have learnt, but if you are reading this and just thinking about or starting out alcohol free then believe me it is worth pushing through to the other side. We got this!

Day 79

Has it been almost a week since I last made a post? The days are going so fast, I guess it’s because I don’t wake up with dread each day. Still feel great physically and not at all wanting a drink, I think the hypnotist deserves a medal! I tend to write when things are hard, so remembering to blog when things are good is tricky!! Sorry!! Will try harder ☺️