Must one habit give into another?

So I’m still AF, yey!! small celebration for day 23…although in my dream last night I was at some kind of ‘all you can drink’ free buffet and felt confused and guilty when I awoke this morning… My Hypnotherapist told me last time I spoke to her (as I get offered alot of free alcohol at work stuff etc) that even though it may not cost money it still has a cost to me, to my health, my time, my wellbeing and self-love…which I’d never thought about before. I’d rather pay money to drink soft drinks myself and feel good the next day than save money by sharing someone else’s booze and feeling sick/ loosing a day etc…

Anyway, I do have one moan today, I’m feeling bla and I think I know why but it’s a stupid reason. My 9 year old had a big audition last night via zoom for a great role on an upcoming massive movie. I was buzzing for her all day, she felt like she messed it up and was devastated. I was so sad for her, but felt worse as I’d pushed her and she said she felt pressure to ‘do it right’ bless her. I don’t want her to feel like that – she should have just learnt from the experience and not felt like it was the end of the world or I would be mad or disappointed in her for not moving forward with it. I’m upset that I am so upset, it shouldn’t matter to me, but I do feel like she’s lost a massive opportunity, but that’s just really harsh, she’s 9 for god’s sake…move on Me! As I drive home last night I did think alcohol would be a usual go to for me, to ease the feeling of blandness and meh…I obviously didn’t drink, but I did watch a programme about Freddie Flintoff and Bulimia and then at the end like a robot stood up, finished off some crumble my mother in law had sent over for me and then proceeded to lean right over the toilet and ‘attempt’ to purge the whole lot. I wasn’t very successful anyway and now my throat is killing, which is why I remember I was never a ‘good’ bulimic and why I should never do it again. But I mean, WTF? I was feeling shit and just replaced drinking alcohol with another form of self harm, so I’m mad at myself and still feel shitty today. But I’m not going to drink anyway, that’s all I know. I haven’t got time or energy for my eating disorder to rear it’s ugly head now or ever…feeling a little bit stuck between a rock and a hard place…any suggestions for a softer place I can try to land next time?

Approaching week 3

Day 19

As my third sober week approaches I’m still feeling army strong! Not thinking of having a drink anytime in the near future.

It was my uncles funeral on Wednesday and unfortunately I didn’t have much opportunity to know him as my mum was never close to her brothers, he lived in New Zealand for many years with his wife but they moved back a few years ago. I was really upset at the funeral but more because I feel like I’ve totally missed out on this being part of this persons life, and I actually think we were more alike than most. His outlook on life even with cancer was so positive, he was musical and really passionate about travel and music…why did I never know this? I contacted his wife afterwards (whom I’ve always looked at as a princess since her wedding day when I was 9, I thought she was the most beautiful person I’d seen in real life) and asked if I could keep in touch more, but it feels abit too late, why didn’t I bother before? Too busy getting drunk to care? Then again they never contacted me but I think it comes more from the broken relationship with my mum, which makes me sad and angry.

Anyway when I thought about meeting up with her in the future and visits etc I did think “I would probably have to drink to get the most out of it” but actually that’s bull because if I drink them what? I become a sobbing idiot talking about myself rather than finding out about them which is my intention….

Keep moving forward

Really upset and pissed off tonight, but actually pleased I’m not drinking because I would have ended up really drunk and emailing or texting the people I’m mad with , which I shouldn’t as it’s unprofessional of me…then I’d be ill tomorrow and guilty…so here’s to tea and toffee tonight….

I’ve discovered ringtons tea bags are amazing!! Not sure why but I love my “kids are in bed” cup of tea each night…andddd relax!!!

Still sober

This is day 9 and I’m happy!! Also day 9 of no fizzy/diet soda Pepsi max which I normally have daily!!! Proud of Myself…was offered free booze at my gig yesterday and had no other reason not to drink other than I didn’t want too, last time I did that gig I got shit faced and felt crap the next day, this time I feel great! Getting lots done today, feeling more productive and busy everywhere which is why I’ve not blogged much but I will keep trying!!

Day four and I’m feeling good!

Ok it’s only day 4, but I’ve been productive…running, doing computer work I should have done long ago….putting learning plans into place…

Anxious about work and kids activities restarting just because it’s gone from laid back life to a million miles an hour again. Sundays hangover was not extraordinary just usual, which is sad because I felt like shit for a good few hours, I missed my last chance to run with friends on a Sunday morning before back to work this weekend. My bowels just can’t take anything over 10 units….so most of the morning was spent on the loo of nearly crying thinking my gut was going to explode. Least I don’t get headaches 🤷‍♀️ small mercies….

Like always I feel now that it’s the last time I ever want to feel like that….and maybe because it wasn’t sooo bad, it might just be…. I don’t know why it just feels different…positive vibes ❤️

Self loathing

I’ve been drinking again and I fucking hate it. I hate it so much. Why do I keep poisoning myself like this? When will I stop! I swear to not ever want to drink alcohol again, not a single drop, but in a few days this changes. There are reasons why I drank last night, and last week, and the week before , but ultimate all just excuses, there’s a lot more real reasons to not drink. I won’t list them now as my head hurts typing and I have to keep running to the toilet every 5 minutes. Let’s just get.through.today.

😞

That Friday feeling

Ok so it’s Friday, almost a week since my binge last Saturday, and dreadful Sunday to follow. I’ve found myself saying a few times that I’m actually not “that” bad and a few drinks this weekend would be ok….hmmm I’ve said this many times before.

The festival is a very mini music thing to try and get live music going again in our home town, so maybe only 100 people there…my sister says she’s not going to drink either, as she is aware I’ve been struggling, she also can struggle with similar issues so the two of us together isn’t great when we drink as neither of us know when to stop.

I was going to take my car so there was no temptation but we won’t all fit so will walk…so I just have to be stronger for tomorrow. Knowing that even a few drinks tomorrow will lead to too many the next time, I just don’t want it. But I also don’t want it to be such a great big “thing” you know? So not putting too much pressure on myself, I would hate to have to reset my insta #100happysoberdays so I think I’ve got this! ☝️👌

Felt really fit last night and decided to do a half marathon as my weekly long run, was great!