Feeing like I want to drink this weekend , think it’s the sun….will blog properly later
So last Wednesday was the evening (from 4pm) when I finished THAT bottle of vodka…. and I am so happy I haven’t bought more since then! Waking up each morning I do a quick rethink of the day before and remember I didn’t drink and I can feel proud and clear headed…
Instead of thinking about myself I can focus on the three kids who need a lot of my real attention these days, rather than me sitting getting pissed beside them and not actually listening to them.
I have already had one thought of having friends round and I couldn’t help myself but say there would be plenty of prosecco…as I was trying to cheer up a friend, but I don’t think they will take me up on the offer and if they do I will get myself alcohol free??? Leaving that bridge until I have to cross it …
Feeling much more productive this week and like life is less Scary as I’m able to get other things done on an evening. I even restarted looking at my music theory which I began and then haven’t done any for months and I’ve got my first few outdoor gigs booked in so things are really looking up.
Okay so I did it again, I feel like shit, it’s over between me and alcohol. Alcohol in my house it’s all gone and the next time I tell myself it’s okay to buy any I’m going to call a friend and ask her to remind me why it’s not. I slept till 3 am so wasn’t too bad on the insomnia side of things. Which is the thing I hate the most.
During the night I was telling myself I was going to be really super positive today and I’m still hanging onto that …I just do feel a little bit sick and my stomach is not happy nor is my head but I guess if I didn’t have a hangover I probably wouldn’t realise how bad this is gotten.
I’m downloading the sober-time app as I think that really helps me see how far I’ve come once it gets a few weeks in.
I’m preparing for a crap day at work today as we have to sort out a big mistake I made so I probably could’ve done with having a clear head ,but there’s no point beating myself up about it – I may as well just try and be positive , pretend I feel great and get on with it. I’m supposed to be out running tonight with a friend but I might ask if she wants to go in the morning just because I can’t wait to crawl back into bed already and it’s only 8:30 am happy days 😩
I starting from tomorrow, I am downloading sober time app and that is the start of a new world… (so yes I have failed today… started off with a Challenge when I was invited out to lunch and immediately thought “ I’ll be able to have a drink” and then realised I couldn’t… so it was a struggle all the way through …and then as soon as I got home I went and got the last bit of the vodka I’ve been hiding from myself at my in-laws and decided it’s better to just get rid of it tonight have one last blowout and that. is .that.
I’m sorry 😞
So since my last post here (3rd April) things have not been great. Which is why I’ve not been here…. I’m back now and determined this will be my last hangover, over. I want to get to a place where I can’t even remember what a hangover feels like.
It’s just been a merry go round of binge drinking vodka, in May it was almost daily, then I got a hold on things in June, started exercising again but somehow still having one large night a week , and I just had two in a row this weekend and I’m through.
Saturday was a good day as I was enjoying being with friends and I did drink a lot but it didn’t feel wrong, I didn’t eat enough so did end up being sick during the night but I felt ok otherwise. But then, the booze that was left…I held the gathering in my garden for the 6 of us, so everyone brought alcohol and of course it wasn’t all drank, I took the wine and fizz over to my in laws but kept the vodka that was open in the freezer..a litre bottle! I never buy litre bottles 🤦🏼♀️
I drank throughout the afternoon, from a can of pop which I top up with vodka so it just looks like I’m drinking Pepsi, on my own, while being around my family. It is ridiculous. Then it got to the point where I put it in a glass and family noticed but as it was my first one they saw it didn’t seem wrong to them. I then got the vodka from home and brought it to store across at my in laws thinking I could be safe from it. But no, 9pm at night I get my keys and “walk the dog” over there, creep in and fill up my can of pop .
I’m waiting to hear from a hypnotist someone has recommended, has anyone else used hypnotherapy? I’ve tried before without success but no harm trying again…. I think that’s why I’ve mentally been thinking Its ok to drink at the moment Because it will be my last big blow out before I magically never want to drink again….I really hope that it is some sort of magic!!!!
I’m still trying to work out what the underlying issue is here, what is wrong with me, why can’t I just be normal with stuff like alcohol/ addictive things….why so extreme?
I think my last trauma is bothering me right now, maybe lock down makes me feel trapped again? But mostly it’s boredom as well, how can I be bored when I have three gorgeous kids to look after !!!!
Ok so the last week has not been a sober one. It hasn’t been horrendous but I am stopping it again from now, from today. Here’s what’s gone down…
So Covid-19 finally got to me, each day was Groundhog Day and I just told myself I *needed* something to take the edge off this tricky time. Boredom. That’s what did it. I bought myself the smallest bottle of vodka for Friday evening as a treat, and knowing I could only drink that and not be ill…it was 7.3 units I think. I obviously finished that and that was that for Friday. I didn’t go out and get more on Saturday, and here is where the false sense of security creeps in.
“I obviously don’t have a problem since I only had 7.3 units and didn’t need to drink again on Saturday”… is what my mind tells me. Wrong. So as I *obviously* don’t have a problem 🤥 I went out again on Sunday and purchased the next size bottle, I think containing 13.7 units or there abouts. I drank about 8 units, again this is “ok”. Then on Monday I had a drink pretty early in the afternoon because there was the rest of a bottle to finish. Had a few drinks which obviously wasn’t enough so wandered out to get another same size bottle. Drank 8-10 units that night, still not too bad, not finishing every bottle, clearly I don’t have issues here…tuesday the same thing happens, and Wednesday and then last night I went to the shop after having about 6 units and bought a 2litre bottle and had 2 drinks out of it. So, in one weeks I’ve averaged 10 units over 6 nights, I’ve spent more than £50 on vodka and Pepsi which I don’t need and drank alone at home.
I’ve hidden evidence, I’ve snuck around, I’ve crept out the house to get more alcohol when I shouldn’t have, I’ve basically fallen right back into bad habits within the space of one week. I’ve had headaches every day, I’ve got acne again, and last night I was grumpy Mum, short tempered and snappy, thinking of when I could fill up my glass and how I could do it without the kids noticing. It has to stop.
I’d done 53 days, nearly 2 months, and I found a loop hole as I promised the kids I wouldn’t drink wine for at least 3 months, or 100 days, so technically I haven’t broken my promise to them but that’s a shot loop hole. It hadn’t been that hard to be truthful, and with no social gatherings it makes it easier not to drink…so why put myself through it at home alone? I don’t need this, my kids don’t need this role model, they need me here 100% with them engaged and focused on them, not on my glass and when it needs topping up.
So today is my first day of being 35, and I’m also hoping it is the first day of the rest of my life as a sober chick… can I look back in 35 years and realise I’ve had more time sober and how enriched my life has been because of it? I’ll drink to that (with my cup of tea here at 2am ☕️)…
So my sober app tells me today is day 50! That’s really something!? So ten days until a milestone (according to the sober time app) of 60 days which also coincides with my 35 birthday! Which I think is quite nice as I will be less included to want to drink somehow knowing I’ve just earned a new star on the app, simple things lol!
So the UK tonight has been out in lockdown for three weeks at least due to covid-19, which is scary but also calming in a way that I get to spend all my time with my three kids and little dog (not mentioning the man of he house as I actually would prefer not to be isolated with him, (he is a knob most of the time) but we can’t change these things! Having already even isolating for a week because we have all been showing signs of the virus it’s been nice not having to rush about, no responsibilities other than the kids. Don’t get me wrong there have been hard times, especially with my middle daughter who is finding the change very difficult,but I’m dealing with it well especially when I compare to how I would cope if I was drinking… feeing like everyday is a bank holiday so pouring vodka at 2pm, 1pm, 12… not sleeping because I feel guilty about being drunk around the kids or something awful I’ve said to A that I didn’t mean or for eating one of the kids Easter eggs by “accident”…
Not waking up feeling hangover shame and fuzzy headed is a prize everyday, I am so pleased I’ve stuck this out!
One question…are Easter eggs classed as essential shopping? 🐣 🐰 🥚