Mad March

I haven’t drank since the last time…well that is always the case I suppose – even if I just drank 5 minutes ago, that statement would still be true – what I mean is I’ve not drank since the hellish hangover almost 2 weeks ago. A nice sober weekend last weekend, I did think about having a drink. I did, but I quickly dismissed it.

I read a blog post and it really resonated with me – ‘Whats your addiction recipe?’

Hitting home

So I am going to consider my recipe….

I also start with the poor genetics on my maternal side – I think there is alot of mental health unaddressed issue there – clinical depression of my great Aunt, My grandma must have OCD, same as my mum, although neither has been diagnosed…thank god my dads side of the family were ‘stabe’

There lots of trauma I suppose – the parental break up and horrible fall out that was played out in front of us, my mum often in hospital for long periods of time with a physical illness, the sexual abuse from my stepdad over 10 years and then dealing with that and the court case etc…

The culture side of things is massive here – drinking is ‘normal’ those that don’t drink or try to stop are NOT normal and have PROBLEMs.

I don’t know my personality is just highly addictive to negative responses to things…I do get excited and do positive things like, running but I never quite take them to the extremes that I go to with alcohol/ food/ drugs….being good just isn’t as exciting, is it?

Maybe I am rotten from the inside – and only feel whole when I am lying or committing some kind of attack on myself…I’ve been feeling very unsettled these last few days since coming back to work part time – maybe just ab shock to the system but I just feel worthless , unneeded here, like my job is meaningless.. .I’m rubbish at it, my boss has to hire other people to do the things I should be doing (I work for family). I feel like I cant grow at this job anymore – I suck at it – I’m jack of all trades and master of none….and here I am blogging instead of working….ffs is it any wonder I feel crap about my work ethic at the moment, I can’t seem to find it or my motivation. This is making me feel like I need to get drunk, fuck it, I already feel crap anyway so why not be able to forget about it for one night? Or I could starve…I was happier when I was hungry, it just takes a while to ‘get into the zone’ before the ‘buzz’ kicks in…and my children are getting to that age now where they watch everything and It just seems too risky. I’m definitely triggered – My friend who I’ve mentioned in previous posts who’s family is struggling – her daughter is not eating and is very thin…I think I’m jealous, of a 13 year old. Also, concerned, want to help but can’t interfere anymore – the last time I did interfere it wasn’t a good outcome.

Ok I need to try and re-focus for the day and do something that makes me feel good/ like I have achieved something in this office today…wish me luck!