3 week itch…

So I’ve been feeling super confident lately, but then today just feels like I need a good blow out. “I deserve to be able to relax” “I enjoy numbing out” “I need it” etc….tomorrow will be day 21 and this is the longest I’ve have abstained for a LONG time now and I know I don’t want to drink really. But it’s annoying. I will listen to a podcast as I drive home. Not sure what’s bothering me.

Ive not been able to spend any quality time with Mr A in the last 2/3 weeks, we are drifting apart and it’s so scary how fast that happens just by neither of us making the effort.

My older sister has just been diagnosed with ADHD, which makes sense, and it’s clear to see that me and her are so alike, I think I’ve been miss-diagnosed with depression all my life. My mother and her mother also show signs although they don’t have the distress effects as they both live peaceful lives, their houses are immaculate etc, whereas my sister and I have a lot going on… it’s just sad that I feel I need to start looking into this now, as I think it might explain an awful lot. The meltdowns which I’ve always blamed depression for, but couldn’t understand why I would only get depressed when I had a day off for example, these are meltdowns I’ve been building up to from over stimulation.

I hate that my family and friends will not understand or think I am being OTT but the more I look into it the more it makes sense – and if this is the case then the meds I take for depression could be seriously making adhd symptoms worse – like the increased need for dopamine hits – my anti-d increases serotonin, but it’s the Dopamine levels that need sorting I think. It’s annoying me. I’m lying awake thinking about it. I called the gp this morning so should hopefully speak to them at some point. I started private health insurance in June but guess what, it doesn’t cover this! Surprise!

My mum has covid for the first time and she is very high risk so thats also on my mind. She is disabled now and lives alone like I said but a 40 minute drive away, we have had a strained relationship to say the least, but it is all smooth on the surface now at least. I guess this is bothering me as I know it sounds awful but I don’t feel like I want to go and look after her or I’m not feeling deep concern, so I’m wondering what is going on there and feeling very guilty about that. I must have some anger and resentment towards her, perhaps it’s because when my sister brought up ADHD with her she was so dismissive about it and that ignorant attitude just blows my mind that she can meet her child’s suggestion with anger and make her feel like she is being stupid when my mum just doesn’t want to dare look in to the possibility that there could be a problem with one of us, or with her god forbid! I guess history is repeating itself as my mum has a tendency to try to wash over everything and act fine all the time, even when no one is watching, the elephant in the room syndrome.

Sorry didn’t mean for this to become a rant! just an update!x