It’s not you, it’s me…

So, I’ve been talking to a close friend I am able to confide in, and it’s easy to see when I talk out loud that my thoughts aren’t making sense. I think I’m eating enough in one breath, then I say but I’m really not I suppose…..it goes on…the similarities between the things I tell myself now about food and exercise and the things I used to tell myself about drinking are uncanny.

It time to face up to reality – the problem is not the alcohol, or the food, or the exercise, or any other form of self-torture I have inflicted upon myself since before I can remember – it’s me. I feel like I just can’t get over whatever it is that is driving me to do this – is it just habit – something embedded in my genetic makeup which means I will always try to slowly kill myself?

I do know the driving force behind all my endeavors is to lose weight/ stay at x weight.….absolutely everything revolves around that. I’ve addressed the childhood sexual assault, I’ve kind of addressed the adult sexual assault (I will post about this later)….I feel like in therapy I have gone over and over things, there is nothing more I need to say. I met my step-dad face to face and got the chance to tell him how he had hurt me and my family, got the chance to forgive him and say that as a dad I still loved him and missed him. Here is a link to a history to show how much I invested in healing from the abuse – https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-34571936 I have spoken to friends asking if I’m still in love with him – this is something I need to explore more I think.

Here’s a timeline of the last 36 years…

• 1985 – born
• 1999 – bulimia – drive to be thin
• 2000-2001 – anorexia – drive to be thin, ended up in hospital less than 70lbs
• 2002 – active recovery
• 2003 – started taking class A drugs because they gave me energy and I couldn’t eat when I took them / appetite control , a lot of alcohol came along with the drugs
• 2004 – Anorexia relapse / treatment needed
• 2005 on wards have gone round in a cycle of heavy drinking/freedom with food to restriction, this has continued to become more severe as the years go on…food and drink in the summer, starve in the winter…
• 2012 – relapse lead to ED treatment again for about 2 years
• The binge- stave cycle continues – (when I say binge I guess I mean eating freely but probably binge drinking – not every single day, but enough, you know, enough to know it’s not right).

Throughout all these years I have also abused slimming tablets, laxatives, diuretics, self-harm, a few suicide attempts, anything really to ‘be thin’, my quest for greatness….